


Even If You Say Your Love Is A Lie

by sophia7



Category: A-jax, Block B
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-17 05:30:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4654128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophia7/pseuds/sophia7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jihoon is getting married. Taeil is falling to pieces. Who will eventually pick him up?</p><p>Title from P.O.'s line in U Hoo Hoo.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lean On Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To lilyheebum, who asked for a Taepyo angst. As if those two words go together. Haha.

_Engaged..._

The words sank deep into Lee Taeil’s heart like fangs of steel. He suffered through so much pain in the past... and this... this was inevitable. He never thought that it would hurt... that anything would hurt at this point in his life.

He thought he was ready for this, had been anticipating it for years now, and he’d been imagining the scenario over and over again in his head until he could bear to force himself to smile at the imagery. But having his worst fears come into fruition was nothing like his imagination, and instead of a smile he bit his lip to keep from choking.

Still... he was the eldest. So he had to laugh and smile and congratulate them. It had been ten years since Jihoon and Hyejin had gotten together, and six years since he told himself that _ah... this is hopeless._ So he had also dated on his own, but every time he caught himself thinking about that big toothy smile, he breaks up with the girl. He’d always had a complex on his looks, but the bitterness in his heart was even more painful, and so desperation had driven him to seek solace on a warm body, and it caught him by surprise how much fame and money can get him attention. None of his relationships lasted too long, all of the parties involved knowing what they’re there for, but one did turn out to be pretty decent. Her name was Mina, and she was hyperactive and called Taeil hyung just to spite him, plus she was shorter than him so it was an added bonus. But a person who couldn’t help him forget Jihoon is not good enough. Maybe nobody is good enough.

The group ate and laughed and shared embarrassing stories. Hyejin-noona was wonderful. She was funny, and she makes Jihoon laugh a lot, and Taeil’s heart sank but it made him happy that Jihoon was going to get married to a girl who brightens up his face with ease. It made Taeil wish they’d have done this sooner, had a proper conversation, just so he could see how Hyejin was, beyond comparison, the best fit for Jihoon. He had always dreaded facing her in fear of being unable to control his facial reactions.

But when he sat down on the sofa of his apartment, alone, he began to cry. His whole body shook with grief and cold and he suddenly felt so tired. He cried without thinking; he just knew that his chest felt constricted and his knees couldn’t hold him up any longer. He laid himself down on the cushions, unable to find the strength to support himself, and cried himself to sleep.

Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe everything is a twisted imagination on Taeil’s part. Maybe he had dreamed half of his life, and thank God he’s waking up.

The first thing he saw when he woke up was Jihoon’s face. At first he thought he was dreaming, but when Jihoon hugged him and he could feel the familiar heat, he snapped back into reality and pushed his offender away.

“What the fuck, Jihoon?”

The dancer stumbled but didn’t bother to straighten up. There were some tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry... hyung.”

Taeil didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. “For what?” he spat out harshly, sitting up, looking down at Jihoon and frowning.

“About us...”

Taeil was still groggy from the soju but pride gave him strength to roll his eyes. “It’s been years. What do you think of me?”

“Your eyeliner is smudged. Hyung... I’m really sorry.”

Taeil looked at himself on the mirror, and cringed. His face was terrible. His mouth felt thick and his head throbbed with a mild hangover and his eyes were swollen and darkened with the melted eyeliner decorating half his face. He stood up and grabbed some wet wipes from the drawer and began wiping off the signs of his weakness, all the while mentally scolding himself for giving Jihoon a spare key. Then again, all his members had spare keys. He cursed at his lingering insecurity over his small eyes, which is why fifteen years after debut he still wears makeup over them.

Despite himself, Taeil wasn’t anything but gracious. He faced the rapper who still made no attempt to get up. “Jihoonie... I’ll be happy for you. I’m not now, of course. But it doesn’t mean I can’t get over it. You’re happier with her than you were with me, and I...” he looked away for a moment, embarrassed at what he’s about to say. “... I care for you. So... it’s only natural that I would want you to have what’s best for you. So get up there and go to her. You look like an idiot.”

“It’s my fault...”

“Stop, Jihoon. Just... go.” Taeil turned on the computer on his desk and pretended to be busy. After a while he felt Jihoon stand up and straighten his clothes.

“I heard you broke up with Mina.”

“So?” Taeil replied nonchalantly, pretending to be unfazed, his eyes still glued to the screen.

“I announce my engagement and you go straight to break up with her. How can I get married if you’re like this? That’s the eighth girl, hyung. And I’m not a fool. I know why you keep on breaking up with them.”

Taeil suddenly turned his chair. “I appreciate your concern, but this is my own problem. I need you happy and smiling and the girls swooning over you even though you’re married and all. Why don’t you concentrate on that?”

“And don’t I want the same for you?”

His genuine concern made Taeil even angrier. “Yes, it’s your fault. You kissed me first. You made the first move in everything and then you up and left me. But I brought this upon myself, if you have forgotten.” He smiled wryly at the memory. “I understand, Jihoon. I understand your love for Hyejin.” He sighed and got up to face the giant maknae fully, although at this point, it’s inappropriate to call him that, because he _was_ getting married earlier than them, save for Yukwon. “So maybe in another world, yeah? In another life. Maybe we’re not meant to be in this one.”

Jihoon was close to tears again. “Hyung... I’m really sorry.

He did his best to smile. “You’re forgiven, alright? I don’t know what you think you did wrong but, I forgive you.”

Of course, the one who doesn’t really deserve forgiveness was himself.

 

 

\-----

 

 

It came as a shock to all of them, given that frantic call from the manager that Jihoon had a nervous breakdown and was confined in the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Jiho had disabled all his social media accounts after that, not even bothering to ask the permission of the company. He just looked straight at the maknae and demanded his usernames and passwords for every account that he had ever created in his natural life, as Jiho had put it nicely, and deleted everything without a word.

After that incident in Thailand, everybody had gone home. Jiho and Kyung had remained in the dorms, Jaehyo coming and going, but everybody had sought moral support from their families. Jihoon’s parents weren’t really there for much of his life, but they were warm and his mother cried when he came home, and Jiho was relieved because it was Jihoon who had expressed the most dissatisfaction among them since the incident broke.

Jihoon’s mother kept blaming herself for her son’s breakdown, not being around most of the time; she had a business to run and couldn’t be there, but everybody noticed the giant plush monkey on the side of Jihoon’s bed and they really didn’t have it in them to join her in her self-blame. So Jihoon was given stern instructions to head to the dorm whenever he feels like he was about to do something, and Taeil volunteered to move back in just to make sure that there really _would_ be somebody anytime Jihoon came. Jihoon had clutched at his hyung’s hands and smiled up at him, and Taeil ruffled his hair.

Their relationship was pretty platonic, despite what everyone thinks, and Taeil rolls his eyes every time Jiho and Kyung do something strange with each other (which you can’t even label as skinship) and wonder why people don’t give them as much heat about it as they do with him and Jihoon. Kyung shoves a chocolate into Jiho’s mouth, and Jiho in retaliation slobbers the chocolate all over his lips and gives his best friend a messy, sticky kiss on the cheek. And Taeil sighed. Strange, indeed.

He receives a kiss on the cheek himself a few days later, and Taeil found out the difference.

“Ew, Jihoon, no kissing” he said, wiping away the imaginary germs with the sleeve of his orange cotton sweater.

“What, hyung, that’s the ultimate manifestation of my love.”

“Maybe pay for my purchases instead, now _that_ is what I call love.”

“I can’t believe that you would be an expensive lover” Jiho pouted, unbuttoning the white polo with black and blue accents and checking the price tag again before sighing and pulling on his own regular blue shirt. “But thank you for finding me this, I really like it.”

They got out of the fitting room and the saleslady was giving them an amused, half-knowing smile. Taeil could swear he heard a giggle when they walked away towards the cashier. He really hoped she wasn’t into K-pop because as much as the rumors about him and Jihoon were already widespread, he didn’t want anything more added to it either. Now the odds of his wish coming true were close to zero, if the chattering which followed it were any indication.

The kiss he had received three days after was less playful.

They were sitting down watching an Animal Planet documentary about cheetahs, and Jihoon really, really had a deep profound love for monkeys, and when a monkey was taken down by the fangs of the lithe cheetah he had turned into Taeil and buried his face on the crook of his neck. Taeil had laughed at him and patted his head, but he wasn’t really comforting. “That’s the revenge of the berries that those monkeys kept devouring.”

Jihoon gave him a hurt look, but continued burrowing his head on the soft material of Taeil’s shirt. “Hyung, berries can’t scream. I swear I heard the monkey tell his family to run and leave him behind.”

“You’re an orang-utan, and that I think is a capuchin monkey. It’s like a Korean trying to understand Russian, so I think you misheard.”

He was kidding, of course, but when Jihoon lifted his head again there were traces of tears ready to fall from his eyes. His voice broke when he sobbed, “Hyung... I... do I really look like an orang-utan?”

Taeil’s eyes went wide with horror. All these days bantering with Jihoon and he forgot the original reason why he’s here in the dorm in the first place and not practicing his singing down at the studio. “Jihoonie, that’s not what I meant. I think you’re the most handsome in Block B, okay? I was only joking.” Jihoon was staring up at him looking like a small fragile child, so Taeil, panicking, wishing Kyung or Jaehyo was there, continued to rant on the maknae’s good qualities. “I mean, look at those long, endless legs, those...” _fuck, what else..._ “... those bright, round eyes... cute pert nose... and luscious...” _Oh my God_... “... red lips.” He swallowed hard, his hands beginning to sweat from all the pressure, and all the effort of trying to view Jihoon from the perspective of a woman. “I mean, who wouldn’t cream their panties just looking at you?”

By now Jihoon was laughing, he was shocked at first but then he broke out into a short laughter, and hugged Taeil even closer than is possible with the way he clutched at his arm and pressed his whole body over elder’s small frame at the sight of the cheetah pouncing on the monkey. “Are you creaming your panties, then?”

Taeil’s first instinct was to slap him and shove him on the floor, but he could still see the tears clinging on the edge of Jihoon’s eyes. He needed to be careful with his words, he can’t be the reason why Jihoon is going back to the hospital after weeks of hard work, of Jiho making sure he comes back every night and Jaehyo ceasing his post-midnight escapades (it must have been hard for him, the poor boy) and Kyung turning crazier than usual in an attempt to make Jihoon laugh. He dragged Yukwon and Minhyuk into dancing dirty girl group dances and they taught Jihoon how to make a seductive pelvic thrust. So Taeil-hyung has to do his part and not screw this up, he told himself.

“Hmmm... maybe if you smile more often. I get attracted to cute things rather easily.”

“So you’re not creaming your panties now?”

 _Fuck, why did I say that?_ , Taeil lamented on his head, but it was too late now and he’d have to deal with his crappy vocabulary later. At least Jihoon had turned eighteen, so he did not have to be so hard on himself. “No. You’re whining and doubting yourself. I don’t find it cute.”

“So when I’m cute all the time you’ll cream your panties all the time?”

He sighed. He can’t even say that he doesn’t even own panties, because that’s not what’s important right now. “Jihoon... I know I used that phrase, but it’s dirty and I don’t want you using it.”

“If I’m cute will you like me?”

 _Oh._ Taeil ruffled his hair. The kid has gotten so much hate the past few weeks and had to be reassured that he wasn’t as despicable as others label him to be. “Of course I like you, Jihoon. The fans tease me about how much I like you, right? That bastard Kyung teases me a lot about it, also. How can you not see that I like you if everybody else can?”

And Taeil didn’t know what was going on around Jihoon’s head right now. But he had paused for a few seconds and then suddenly tilted his head to give Taeil a full kiss on the lips. He was pulling away suddenly, but his breath was warm and his hands were warm and his body pressed on top of Taeil was warm and Taeil suddenly felt sucked in the warmth. “What... what are you doing?” he managed to breathe out, voice caught in his throat. Panic rose in his eyes.

“Didn’t you say you like me, hyung? Was I wrong? Did I hear wrong? Was it a joke?” The terror in Jihoon’s eyes were growing by the second, and Taeil had to grab at his hands to stop him from shaking.

“No, I do like you” he blurted out without thinking. “I like you, okay? And you’re not being cute right now. How can you expect me to cream my panties if you’re not being cute?” Taeil was going to hell for this, but he wasn’t exactly the best at comforting people or giving them advices. That was Jaehyo, and that is his only redeeming quality, and Taeil sucks at this and he’s probably doing a lot of damage right now and how the hell can he recover from something like this and he’s misleading Jihoon and the kid doesn’t know better because he’s in a very vulnerable state right now and... and...

And Jihoon was grinning up at him.

“Just don’t... don’t kiss people out of the blue. It’s rude.”

“Aw, hyung, are you blushing?”

 _Yes, fuck you. Fuck you and your soft lips and your adorable smile._ “I’m embarrassed. What would you feel if somebody kissed you on the lips suddenly without warning, huh?”

It wasn’t really a question, but Jihoon was thinking hard. “If it were you, I’d be really happy.”

 _And fuck your parents for making you a guy_. Taeil’s face feels so hot, and he didn’t know why but his heart was beating fast. In all of his life he never imagined... no maybe he _had_ imagined... but for it to turn out to be Jihoon that... that was, until a few minutes ago, unimaginable. Or it’s still unimaginable right now. Right now, even if Jihoon was cuddling with him and touching him with non-platonic intentions. “I haven’t even taken you out on a date yet, so I won’t kiss you. Same goes for you, you ass. You earn kiss passes. You work hard to get them; you can’t just take them like that.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Lee Taeil, at the age of twenty-two, had bought himself a one-way ticket to hell.

 

 

\------

 

 

“Hyung, you’re spacing out” Yukwon called him off after an hour of dance practice. He can’t believe he’d have to dance after fifteen years. He’d have the most simplistic parts, pushed in the back as he had always been, but he had to up the ante these past few years because Jihoon had upgraded his dancing skills and Taeil had appeared amateur next to him.

It’s funny how they’re still together performing like this, still holding concerts at least once a year. Jiho had now owned Seven Seasons with three groups under his wing, but he’d rather be dead in the head than not perform, because that’s always what he’d been. Jihoon produces songs for Seven Seasons, and several other companies, to Jiho’s chagrin, calling the maknae an ungrateful bastard but Jihoon knows he’s all bark and no bite. Kyung was more business-minded, and now owned a club in Itaewon and one in Apgujeong where they would sometimes perform in. Jaehyo had lost a lot of his awkwardness when he had taken to modelling, and then had shifted to acting. They see him the least these days, but when Jiho summons him he always comes, even if Jiho is more stressed now than he had ever been in his life and teases him ruthlessly. Minhyuk and Yukwon had stuck together as a duo and were running a dance academy together, and this is how Taeil found himself sweating in a spacious mahogany floor with the big fan directed his way even if the air conditioner was working just fine.

“I come all this way at two in the morning to teach you personally. So if you want to beat Jihoon at least once please concentrate.”

He was heaving, hands on knees, sweat dripping on the floor down his chin, the sleeveless tank top dangling from his shoulders but he might as well be half-naked with how low the neckline was. Still, it was too hot. “I’m sorry, Yukwon-seonsaengnim. My poor heart is getting older and my arthritis is acting up. Give the elderly a break, will you?”

Yukwon laughed and gave him a loud slap on the back that sent him stumbling. “Are you moping because Jihoon is getting married?” he quipped and Taeil worried for a second of he had noticed anything going on between him and Jihoon. Yukwon had never been the most perceptive of sorts, so if he _had_ seen something, he could be sure the others had. But then Yukwon continued, “You know, I’ve had the same problem with Minhyuk-hyung. He and I got drunk once in my flat and he cried about me getting married, forgetting him and leaving him alone to die while I raise cute smiling babies with my cute smiling wife. I had to comfort him and we ended up sleeping tangled together on my bed. And so it happened that I woke up to Sunhye’s face and the bastard just slept on and left me to my fate no matter how hard I tried to wake him up. Imagine what I had to go through to make Sunhye believe that we’re not like _that_.”

Oh, but Jihoon and him were _exactly_ like _that_. They had ceased being platonic much faster than he had imagined, and the image of Jihoon spreading his legs with that earnest look in his face flashed in Taeil’s mind so suddenly, he had to cough. “I’m not _that_ pathetic. If anything, I’m more worried about you guys having babies and making me the godfather. Don’t have too many kids, yeah? I’m not that rich.”

“Well thank God Minhyuk-hyung is more generous than you, then” he laughed. “At least I’m sure my children will have the most fashionable clothes.”

“Don’t celebrate too early; your kids will have Kyung as their uncle” he glared at him.

Yukwon continued laughing. He stretched his shoulders and began twisting his waist to get the feeling back in his body. “Anyway, hyung, don’t worry too much. I did not abandon Minhyuk-hyung. Jihoon will never abandon you.” He was stretching his legs next, eyes trained on the floor, and Taeil was thankful because he turned red and couldn’t take any more teasing. “In fact, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but I’m sure you and Hyejin-noona will hit it off. You have a lot in common. Starting with your heights. Plus the fact that you’re both so old but still have so much aegyo.”

“Hey! I’m still your hyung!” Taeil chastised him with as much intimidation as he could demand from his soft voice. Which is next to none, judging by that wide grin that broke from Yukwon’s face.

“Yes, and don’t you forget that. So don’t get too lonely.”

 

 

\------

 

 

 

Taeil thought that was the end of that uncomfortable conversation, but he found himself discussing the same thing with Kyung, and he made a mental note of himself to scold Yukwon for tattling later.

“I have a hot friend with an even hotter friend and she happens to like cute guys” was the first thing Kyung had said to him after summoning him to meet up in one of the cafes he was aiming to purchase. Turns out he can’t trust Kyung, because the latter said he needed somebody to help him decide whether it would be profitable for him to own a cafe in this part of town, but that was only to lure Taeil in, no matter how much he reminded Kyung that he doesn’t drink coffee ( _I know, but you’re my hyung, can’t I rely on my hyung?_ The bastard knew how to press his buttons, so in the end he relented). Maybe now that he’s past thirty, drinking coffee wouldn’t be so bad.

Taeil rolled his eyes and blew on his coffee. “So?”

Kyung grinned. He’s not easy to exasperate. “So. You’re cute. You’re like a chipmunk. And she’s seriously hot. She likes guys who are smaller than her, and I’m sure you’d hit it off even if she likes me best out of the seven of us.”

“Then the more I don’t want to meet her, she has bad taste.”

“Ouch, hyung!” Kyung pretended to be hurt with his words, putting a hand on his heart and overreacting. Like always. “You know I love you, why don’t you love me back?”

Jihoon had told him the exact same words once, and the memory made him choke on his coffee. It scalded his tongue and he decided never to touch one of these things ever again. “Kyung, I hardly need your help to get a girlfriend. Don’t worry too much about me. Despite what Yukwon might have told you, I’m not lonely. After Jihoon gets married...” The words were dry on his tongue, the _which I’ll never recover from_ left unspoken. “... I’ll find some other way to entertain myself. I’m still older than you, you know. I can take care of myself.”

Kyung was looking at him with a serious face. He left his hair black and it made his face look even more menacing. Plus, his eyes were huge and they boring judgementally into Taeil’s soul. “You hook up in my club, hyung. I’m indirectly responsible for every single one of your relationships.” He frowned. “Which had all failed. And you’re hardly the type to play around, which is why I’m worried. In fact, we’re all worried. We were about to say something but then you had Mina, but you dumped her a week ago, and it’s time for us to intervene and hyung, don’t give me that look. Don’t tell me to mind my own business because the last time I did that somebody ended up getting hurt. So forgive me if I get in everyone’s case. But I will continue to do so until all of you are happily-hitched and I don’t need to worry too much.”

There was nothing Taeil could do against that argument but sigh. If Kyung didn’t become a rapper he’d do well in being a prosecutor. He had the brains to do so, but if he hadn’t been part of Block B Taeil was sure everything would have turned out differently for the six of them. Then he had to go ahead and mention _that_ incident. Really no use arguing. “I can’t get a girl after a week of breaking up, I can’t do that to Mina.”

“You shouldn’t have done a lot of other things to Mina, including breaking up with her without a reason. I don’t think you even regret it.”

Taeil glared at him. “Careful, Kyung. You may be one of my members but what happened between Mina and I—”

“Okay, fine, I’m sorry” Kyung was quick to apologize. He was here on a mission, and he can’t afford Taeil getting angry at him. “Hyung just... let me help, okay? Just go along with my plans for once—”

“I’ve gone along with them hundreds of times.”

“—and anyway if this fails, Jaehyo is next in line. And I can’t have him beating me.” He paused. “But don’t misunderstand me, I’m doing this because I care about you.”

Whenever he is talking to Kyung, Taeil sighs more than he ever does in any single conversation with anybody. The boy is _that_ exasperating. He always had tricks up his sleeves and he pulls people into participating in his schemes. “Alright, if it makes you happy.”

A few weeks after, Jaehyo was sporting him an _I told you so_ look which made Kyung glare at Taeil with a venomous sting as Jaehyo took his seat in front of Taeil and smiled at him. Kyung exited the dorm with a heavy dark look on his face.

The smirk on Jaehyo’s face disappeared when Kyung was out of sight. Taeil was expecting another lecture on what the hell is wrong with him, she was hot she was funny, but Jaehyo did not give him the same pain. “Hyung, you may have known that—”

“First, lose the fucking shades. Makes you look like a major douche.”

Jaehyo’s jaw dropped in shock, but he did remove the dark round Ray Bans adorning his eyes. “Right. Now. Where was—”

“And second, take that leather jacket off, you’re sweating. I feel suffocated just looking at you.”

The younger groaned, but did as he was told. Taeil hid a smirk behind his hand. Movie star and all, but Jaehyo is still fun to tease, because he gives priceless reactions. No wonder Jiho keeps him around. Too much around him, though, judging by the rumors about them dating, but which Jiho always played off with a joke while Jaehyo always suffers trying to answer those questions in interviews.

“Anything else about me you’re dissatisfied with?” Jaehyo exhales, glaring at him.

“Oh, why don’t we start with—”

“Hyung” he whined loudly, lower lip jutting out.

Taeil laughed at his childishness. “Okay, okay, sorry. So, Kyung told me you’re next in line? You’re hooking me up with an actress or what?”

And so it turns out dating an actress, even if she was of mid-level popularity and didn’t have the air of superiority around her yet, was still not successful. She was sweet and gentle but a rough kisser, which Taeil liked, because he would never be the aggressive one in a relationship. But she wanted to move along too fast and when she tried to have sex on the third date Taeil left and never looked back. He was on a rebound, and she had legs that flowed endlessly white, but when he couldn’t get it up he figured he had to flee. He had sent her a bouquet of yellow roses with a long letter of apology, because really, it wasn’t her fault, he just couldn’t forget about his ex and he can’t subject her with sex where he imagined another person instead of her, and it’s not her fault, he’s just too hung up on her.

And so it came to be that Lee Minhyuk was next in line. Tactless Lee Minhyuk, who sat across him in Kyung’s new cafe sipping peppermint iced mocha with a bored expression on his face. “I knew they’d all fail. They never asked you what you want.”

Taeil raised an eyebrow. Fifteen years and this is the first time Minhyuk ever surprised him. Not after that episode of Bukbulkok where he ate a meal worm and that terrifying roasted muskrat that still made Taeil’s gastric juices threaten to spill out of his guts. Maybe he just accepted that everything weird about Minhyuk was just normal, so he’s never been caught off-guard. “And we start by you asking me what I want?”

“Yeah, I...” he paused for a bit, and then leaned in a little closer, his face turning pensive. “I... I have wanted to ask you this for a long time, but... I wasn’t really sure how you’d take it.” He bit his lip but fixed his gaze on the elder. “But we’re older now, and I’m sure by this time you’re sure enough of yourself that you won’t flip out when I ask you. We’re in our thirties, and we’ve been together for such a long, long time, so believe me when I say that my loyalties lie with you.”

“I know. Don’t be sappy now.”

“This is just... I’m going to ask you a very sensitive question.”

He gave him an exaggerated huff. “I won’t break, Minhyuk-oppa.”

But Minhyuk did not mind the teasing a bit, seemed like his mind was preoccupied on something more important, and this immediately sobered Taeil, concern now adorning his face. “Hyung... do you... like boys more than girls?”

 _Fuck_. Fuck he wasn’t ready for this. He’s right, they’re older now and more mature and ten years ago he might’ve punched Minhyuk on the mouth but now he’s sure, he’s really sure, but it had been twenty years since his discovery of his sexuality but Korea changed too little for him to think that this is okay. Too little for him to accept himself openly. And so he looked up at Minhyuk in horror, in a great harrowing fear that drained his whole body of its strength. He just knows he’s shaking now, like a kid caught stealing from a cookie jar. Minhyuk was waiting for him to respond, so he laughed and made a lame joke to dispel the intensity of the moment. “ _Boys more than girls_. Really, Minhyuk, you make me sound like such a pervert.”

But the person in front of him was not having it. “Hyung, it’s fine. I’m okay with it. It’s me, for God’s sake.”

It’s Minhyuk. It’s Lee Minhyuk, whom he has known for seventeen years, who had seen him in his best and in his worst, who teaches him their choreography for hours sacrificing his sleep just because Taeil can’t dance to save his life, who had cleaned up after him in his drunken stupor and never once complained when he goes to the comfort room after him. Who’s still sitting there and talking to him and telling him it’s okay even if he had known that his Taeil-hyung is gay for a while.

“What... how did you know?”

Minhyuk hesitated for a bit. “I might have... heard something? I mean, years ago. I swear even back then I was shocked, not because you’re... not because of what I have heard but because it’s _you_... but I have a friend who’s also gay and we’re good friends and I understand why you’re so scared and why... and why you’re...” his gaze fell on the table. “... why you’re sad.” He lifted his eyes when Taeil still wasn’t saying anything. “I really wanted to talk to you about it then, but Jihoon...” Minhyuk winced at his slip-up. “But he still kissed you even when he’s with Hyejin-noona, and I was expecting him to eventually realize what he wants and that you would work it out. You were just so _close_ , I was pretty sure you’d end up together, but now he’s getting married and it’s not with you... well I’m sorry. Hyung.” There was a pained expression on his face, his brows furrowed together as if it was his fault, and it softened and calmed Taeil’s heart. He’s right. He shouldn’t be afraid of Minhyuk, of all people. “I’m not the best at expressing, either, and I was so scared of making things worse.”

“Shhh...” Taeil assured him, taking his hand, not caring if Kyung was now looking at them from the counter with his eyes narrowed. “It’s okay. Minhyuk, I’m glad you know. But me and Jihoon... that’s the past now, and he’s come to terms with what he wants, so we should be happy for him, right? Why don’t you make it up to me by finding me an even hotter girlfriend, what do you say?”

The dancer glowered at him. “So you could break up again? No way.” He untangled his hand from Taeil’s and sipped on his drink. “I’m getting you a boyfriend. I’ll find you one. If you’re okay with it. But doing this... do you know what that means?”

Taeil nodded, realization sinking in. “I’d have to tell them.”

“I know it’s my turn, but believe me this isn’t a game for us. We really want you to be happy. So I’m asking if this is okay. If you’re ready... if not I can just forfeit. And it’ll be Yukwon’s turn next, and he doesn’t know anything so he’ll find you a girl and you’ll break up again. I’m not pressuring you, or forcing you into anything. I’m just saying... that’s what’s going to happen, so heads up.”

He scoffed at Minhyuk’s testing face. “I’m not self-destructive, Minhyuk. But this is a big step, and I need more time to think about it.”

“Okay” Minhyuk agreed easily. “Okay, at your own pace. But remember that we’re on your side. I’ve been testing the waters and I’m sure if you come out, nobody would love you less.”

 

 

\-----

 

 

Taeil and Jihoon had always fooled around on stage. Always. Almost kisses, hugging, touching each other’s asses. Once or twice, or was it three times, Taeil could not remember, Jihoon had even played with his nipple (well, over his clothes, but that counts, right?) on screen. Everything was on screen. Everything was playful. It never had much impact on Taeil’s anatomy because he knows everything is a joke. Between friends.

Now nothing is a joke and Taeil didn’t know if Jihoon considers them as ‘friends.’

Frankly, kissing Jihoon was like kissing a younger brother. It just felt plain wrong.

There was no more kissing that followed the last one, and Taeil would be lying of he said he was relieved... but, unfortunately for him and his conscience, he’d also be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed. He had pegged it to be a moment of weakness on Jihoon’s side, weakness which he himself had caused, calling the maknae an orang-utan carelessly and forgetting that right now, Jihoon is as fragile as a broken piece of eggshell. There was still cuddling, though, and because of the incessant touching Taeil was never left a moment to get over Jihoon, to rationalize why this is wrong, why this would fuck them up, and why it would destroy Jihoon’s future. Every time his conscience caught up to him Jihoon would be there, grinning down at him with a plateful of japchae, and Taeil realized it wasn’t so much as the food getting to him than the grin.

When Taeil allowed that fact to sink in his brain, he knew he was fucked. There’s no way he could think of Jihoon as a brother now. No way. No way. He allowed Jihoon to touch him like that because he knows Jihoon was just being cute. Like, little brother cute. Bunny cute.

But now there’s nothing cute about the way Jihoon touches him.

And even though it’s never innocent now, Taeil wonders why he lets him. Why he’s comfortable. Why he never feels compelled to push him away. Why he’s not disgusted. Why he finds it necessary to reciprocate the quick kisses Jihoon gives him. Why... why...

 

In the morning Taeil would go down the gym and work out with Minhyuk, and the latter’s seriousness sobered him up. He enjoyed the quiet, enjoyed the contrast of it with Jihoon’s trigger-happy mouth and his stories that went on and on with big hand gestures and loud laughter. Taeil can’t helped but be charmed by how much he jumped up and down and clapped like a seal whenever he tells stories of his beloved Jiho-hyung, or that one night when Jaehyo took him to Apgujeong and stole all of the attention away from the flower boy, and he had vowed never to take Jihoon out ever again, or when his older brother took him out to a black-tie event in this fancy restaurant in Gangnam, and they spent the whole night ordering fancy cocktails in the alphabetic order straight from the menu, and his brother’s tab had registered a whopping half a million won but they’d only reached half of it.

After Jihoon had kissed him Taeil tried to get over it by gawking at Minhyuk. It was easy because his wife-beater and short shorts really didn’t conceal anything. Okay, he did try with the girls first but he was already twenty-two and pretty sure of what he wanted. He had struggled over it as a teenager and tried to prove he was a man by shaving his head and getting multiple tattoos and ear piercings and hanging out with dangerous guys and getting his dick sucked in bathrooms. Then he turned twenty, and was nowhere near as excitable as he had been as a young man with raging hormones, and at the first sign of a limp dick after twenty minutes of making out he sighed and told himself to stop lying.

So. Minhyuk it is. Cute dimple. Sensual pouty lips. Slim waist. Sweet perfume. There, flexing his muscles with a twenty- pound dumbbell in each hand, muscles straining every time he moved. His shorts had skirted up even higher as he sat carelessly on the bench press, to reveal smooth, strong, slim thighs. He was sexy when he danced, hot when he exercised. He was the type of guy who’d bring you water without saying anything, and had that kind of aura that girls would find mysterious. If he was a character in One Piece (all of them love One Piece), he’d be Zorro, and Zorro is an anime character Taeil didn’t mind fucking, or getting fucked by, whichever position he would desire.

But sadly Zorro wasn’t cutting it for him.

“I’m a miserable fuck” he cried over his fifth glass of beer. He convinced Kyung to go out with him, because he didn’t really want to be cuddled by Jihoon again as he slept, and wake up to his smiling face in the morning, as if they were in an exclusive relationship, and having that fantasy broken over and over again every time the sun rises. Kyung, because he felt bad looking at Minhyuk with lust for a week, Jaehyo is too pretty (whatever the fuck it mattered for), and Kyung was the next oldest so Kyung it is.

“I know some girls...” Kyung’s voice was getting slurred, and Taeil slapped him on the arm because they’re not supposed to get into any kind of trouble while they’re technically _still_ in trouble. Three months without a prospect of a next show, not a single invitation, not even in a small venue. But Taeil needs to get hammered somewhere, and Kyung’s parent’s apartment is on the top floor, and that means a rooftop, and that means they can scream all they want and nobody would be there to leak it to the press.

“We can’t act on the dictates of our penises, Kyung. Not now.”

“It’s easy if you know what you’re doing” the younger boy leered at him, grinning suggestively.

It was cold out, the wind blowing over them with anger, but Taeil found himself blushing. “Don’t corrupt my mind, you spawn of Satan.”

Kyung laughed. “I forgot you’re a virgin.”

“I’m not a virgin.”

Kyung raised an eyebrow at him, disbelief written all over his expression. He scoffed. “That’s what all boys say.”

“I’m not” Taeil denied a second time, wondering why he’s talking about his sex life with Kyung. That’s never a good topic to have with this ball of mischief. “You have no idea what kind of game these tattoos had gotten me in the past.”

“Oh yeah?” The rapper gave him a once-over, still not believing him. “What’s the kinkiest you’ve gotten into?”

The pink tint on Taeil’s cheeks turned into a violent crimson red. “I’m not telling you! Why in the world would I tell you?”

But the boy was now clinging at his arm and shaking him and begging. That’s the first exciting thing that had happened to him in over two months, and he’s not about to back off. “Come on, hyung. At this point of my life I need something to excite me, damn it.”

“That’s disgusting! Don’t include me in your perverted imaginations!” He pushed the offending arm away.

“Oh my God, I’m not going to imagine _you!_ We had our internet connection cut off to prevent Jihoon from looking up at any more opinions from netizens, and so I am left to the devices of my hands and recycled my porn folder three times I’m getting sick of them” he tried defending himself in one breath, his tongue loose from the alcohol but his brain activating at the insinuation. “Jiho has Jaehyo-hyung and you have Jihoon and I’m left all alone. Even Yukwon has a girlfriend. That leaves Minhyuk-hyung. Maybe I should get him, huh?”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Are you gay?”

“I’m horny. Who cares about gay.”

“Minhyuk would never let you fuck him.”

“I don’t want to fuck him, are you crazy? I just want hands on my skin. And he’s touchy. So do you think he’ll indulge me?”

The boy never gave Taeil time to get over his first shocking statement. They just keep pouring out of his mouth as if his brain is lined with them. “No, I think he’ll kill you.”

“I could seduce him. I’m good at that. Thanks, hyung.”

 _What the actual fuck...?_ “Do you really have a death wish? And thanks for what?”

“Thanks for making me realize what I could do to deal with this. Touching Jaehyo-hyung seems to calm Jiho down, touching you obviously calms Jihoon down, so maybe if I can have Minhyuk-hyung warming up to me and agreeing to cuddle over pizza and a movie I’d be contented with my life.”

“Pizza and a movie?” Taeil scoffed at Kyung’s imagination. That’s the only line in Kyung’s litany that Taeil can process right now, and that’s all he’s commenting on.

“Yeah. That’s what you and Jihoon do, right?” He sighed and downed what’s left of his beer. “I also want to be cuddled, I want somebody to ruffle my hair and tuck me in when I’ve fallen asleep, and wrap their legs around me when I’m lying in bed. Hyung... I’m so lonely I could die. You all paired off and left me by myself. Even Jiho forgot about me, and he’s supposed to be my best friend.”

Taeil really wanted to take pity on him, but he can’t. He can’t, because he knows that developing feelings which will never be returned hurts much more than being alone, and he wants to tell Kyung that, but if he does it will assure a thousand follow-up questions that he can’t deal with right now. “You can’t ask that from Minhyuk, he’ll never talk to you ever again. Do you want that?”

Kyung’s voice was soft when he spoke. “No.”

And Taeil had a softer heart and he felt it breaking under Kyung’s defeated reply. “Let’s go to the gym tomorrow morning. Then dance practice after.”

The rapper groaned. “No, you can’t make me.”

“Minhyuk will be there.”

Kyung’s eyes lighted up. “Yeah? So you’ll help me? So you’re giving me permission to seduce him?” He sounded like a child begging for candy.

“Are you really sure you don’t want to fuck him? Why would you seduce him? No seduction, Kyung. Minhyuk is a nice guy and I don’t want him corrupted by the likes of you.”

“Corrupted by me, right” he sneered. “We’ve all seen his porn collection. It’s the raunchiest and he wouldn’t let me copy anything. He’s selfish, hyung. He wouldn’t even help his dongsaeng. I begged him and gave him gifts but he just flipped me off. I mean, who does that?”

“You’re a terrible dongsaeng. That must be why.”

Kyung pouted. “I’m getting together with Minhyuk-hyung and I’m going to make you so jealous you’ll regret crossing me.”

“Oh I dare you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, they’d still be together after fifteen years. And they’d still be performing. And your argument is invalid. Hehe.
> 
> P.S. I remember squealing about Minhyuk and Kyung in the past. So I couldn’t help but put a bit of BKyung here. Hope you don’t mind.


	2. When I Look At You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May the heavens forgive me for this. Really. T.T I’m sorry for dragging you to hell with me. I cut the chapters this way so they’re not more than seven or eight thousand words each. I find this convenient.

So Taeil didn’t know what kind of magic powers Kyung had, or what kind of gods he had prayed to, because it seems like his attempts at seduction are paying off. No, nobody was getting fucked, and Minhyuk appeared tired and exasperated and pretty much drained, but he let Kyung cling to his arm and feed him kimbap from his own chopsticks, sometimes initiating a back hug himself that left Kyung grinning and looking over at Taeil triumphantly.

Okay, so maybe Kyung didn’t want to date Minhyuk, but he was still closer to getting in his pants much more than Taeil who really, really wants to date Jihoon. Or not. Or not. He can’t make up his mind, and he can’t read anything from Jihoon’s body language. It just felt like he was a substitute for the giant stuffed monkeys who wouldn’t talk when the tall maknae wanted to talk. Their relationship was like a child and his stuffed toy. Who could talk. They never talked about anything significant, nothing about that night, nothing about Taeil’s misunderstood ‘I like you’ which evolved into something else. Saying it and having Jihoon kiss him had opened a dam he kept shut close so tightly because he knows how unwelcome it is.

Maybe he should stop screwing with Jihoon’s future.

Maybe he should leave the group.

Now’s the only time to do it. Now that they’re on indefinite hiatus.

“Hyung, you’ve been staring at the screen for fifteen minutes now. Credits stopped rolling.”

The last voice he wanted to hear. Why was he so weak against Jihoon now, why was he such a masochist, letting himself fall deeper into a pit that would end in his inevitable death? They were cuddling in front of the TV again. Kyung and Jiho were still in the studio and they called to make sure that somebody’s there to look after Jihoon (he spends most weekdays in the dorm and weekends at home).

“Oh. Right. That was so bad I zoned out. Turn it off, then.”

He shifted on top of Taeil’s chest. “But I’m comfortable. I don’t want to move.”

Taeil stopped the groan that was about to spill from his throat. “The remote control is just a few inches from your right. Don’t be lazy now, we’re wasting electricity.”

Jihoon grumbled while he untangled a hand from Taeil’s arm to reach for the remote. “What now? It’s still seven and I’m not sleepy.”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

“No, hyung, I’ve gained a lot of weight. I think I’m going to join you and Minhyuk-hyung at the gym tomorrow.”

“Then let’s sleep, we jog at five in the morning.”

“But I’m not sleepy~” Jihoon whined, voice rising an octave higher. “Let’s just stay like this for a while, hyung.”

Taeil laughed. “Are you trying to be cute?”

“Is it working?”

“You’re too big to be cute.”

Jihoon suddenly sat up, his eyes wide and his eyes glassy. “So I can’t be cute? So that means you’ll never like me?”

 _Uh oh._ Taeil screwed up again. “I, uh, Jihoon... come on, baby, don’t be like that.”

“Am I?”

“Are you what?”

“Your baby?”

“What?”

“You called me baby. So I can be cute, then? You can like me, then?”

Taeil wanted to scream at him. He’s losing his patience, he’s never been one of the patient ones. Patience is for Yukwon and Jaehyo. He’s more in league with Minhyuk and his explosive temper. But he bit his tongue, because he wants to scream at himself more, calling Jihoon baby was unintentional. He’s making too many mistakes. And he’s about to make another mistake, but his tongue was on a roll and he can’t stop himself. “I like you even if you’re not cute, Jihoon.” _That sounds wrong._ “I don’t mean you’re not cute. You’re cute. But even if you’re not I still like you. Do you understand me?”

Jihoon sniffed and replied in a soft voice, “Really? Hyung you really, really like me?

 _Yes._ No. Not like that. _Just like that._ “Why are you always asking that?”

“Then it means I can kiss you, right?”

 _Yes._ No. “Jihoon...”

“So you don’t really like me?”

 _Fuck._ Words seem to hurt much more than they help, so Taeil tugged Jihoon’s collar down and gave him a kiss, and for a second the younger froze, but it wasn’t half a breath after and he’s bringing his hand around the back of Taeil’s neck and deepening the kiss. And the next he was licking over the bottom of Taeil’s lips and at the thin line of his mouth to coax Taeil into opening up. It felt too good, too breathtaking, and so the older opened his mouth to let Jihoon’s tongue in. He tasted of pizza and something inherently Jihoon, and maybe that was just the smell of his cologne but he tasted like roses and fruit and musk and yes, that was Jihoon’s cologne, but fuck if he didn’t taste like it also. His tongue was soft and Taeil couldn’t help but suck it in, making Jihoon whimper at the strange sensation. He broke the kiss to gasp for air but he was diving into Taeil’s mouth again, as if he doesn’t intend to stop, and Taeil could feel Jihoon’s hands roam over his back and clutch at his sweater and press him closer. That was fine, up to that point where he was pressing his fingers down Taeil’s hips were fine, but then his hands were getting inside the hem of Taeil’s sweater and he knew he had to stop him before it gets any further.

“Stop” he croaked, ending the kiss. Only the string of saliva connected their lips now, and Taeil gave him one last kiss to lick the saliva off. “That’s as far as this goes.”

He looked up and maybe he shouldn’t have, because Jihoon’s pupils were blown black with lust, and Taeil found his stomach hurting much worse than before. It was rare for a single kiss that didn’t even last too long to get him as flustered as this. So he pushed Jihoon gently away and stood up. “I call dibs on the bathroom. You clean the table, maknae.” He tried to speak as casually as he could, but it took him almost half an hour under the cold shower to calm himself down.

The next morning, Jihoon was back to his old self. He slept on his own bed and Taeil was relieved, genuinely this time, that he didn’t climb up Taeil’s bed because he can’t take any more of him right now without doing something more than kissing.

But that last kiss pushed the boundaries of their relationship, and Jihoon took it as a sign that he could kiss him like that again, as long as he doesn’t touch beyond Taeil’s back, and so those kinds of kisses happened whenever nobody was around to witness it, to the point that Taeil had to run to the comfort room to beat off.

He had to stop this. It was getting out of hand. He wanted to but how?

 

 

\-----

 

 

It should have stopped thirteen years ago. Taeil would have made sure it did, if he knew the kind of pain it would be giving him now. He watched Minhyuk argue with the caterer about the combination of food, watched Jiho specify to the wedding planner how they should design the garden; he wanted a gazebo, he’s going to get a gazebo, and yes he knows how much it costs, but they’re exchanging vows in the gazebo if he’s going to die getting it. They were so intense about everything you’d think they’re the ones getting married.

Yukwon whined that they weren’t this invested when he was the one who got married, and Kyung told him he got married too early, and Yukwon quipped that thirty was _hardly_ an early age to get married.

The bride and groom were cake-testing on their own because Jiho would not relent, and the wedding planner sighed at him in exasperation and asked him if he was he was actually needed there, because it seemed that Jiho has everything planned out.

“Okay, I’m sorry” Jiho was quick to apologize. “I’m sorry, I’m just excited.”

“Yeah, I can see that” was the wedding planner’s amused reply. At least he was amused now, because Taeil had half the mind to go over there and scold Jiho for being so pushy. “I’ll see what I can do with the gazebo, because if you want it we have to tear down those trees and clear the area up _before_ we can build the gazebo. It’s nice only if it’s got the view of the ocean. And if you own the place there’d be no problem, but you don’t.”

“Well we could situate it near the clearing...” Jiho was beginning again, and so Taeil ran towards them and pulled Jiho away.

“Sorry about that, won’t happen again.”

“Hyung, don’t you see, it would be majestic at night” Jiho tried defending himself. “We could decorate it with Chinese lanterns with orange wax paper and—”

“And we could do that in your own wedding” he cut him off gently. “Come on, let’s join the cake testing, alright?” he dragged Jiho off before he could say anything else. “This is Jeju. The wedding will be beautiful regardless, so you don’t have to worry.”

The arrays of chocolate cakes seemed to appease Jiho. Taeil watched him eat, watched him get into another argument with the caterer about how to design the cake, wanted it a swirl of half chocolate and half vanilla, watched Jaehyo smack him on the head. Suddenly he was being dragged outside in the middle of laughing, by Minhyuk nonetheless. He was shoved in front of a familiar face, one he’d seen years ago and one that had aged quiet wonderfully, same lithe body and same love for black and gray. It was a face he had never seen for such a long time except in front of the television. He knows the face, but fuck he forgot the name.

“Moon Hyo Jun” Minhyuk sighed trying to help when all Taeil did was stare. “A-jax. Japan wonders. We did a concert with them in the past.”

“I know, damn it” Taeil seethed. What he didn’t know was why he was being dragged to entertain the guest. He knew Minhyuk was a boring little shit but he’s not exactly any better. He turned to the bright wide smile with the messy hairstyle and crescent-moon eyes and his heart sank a little but he managed to take out his hand. “I’m sorry. I just never see you in Korea anymore, I had a momentary memory loss.”

The hand that met him was warm. “Yeah, we just got back again. It’s good to be speaking in Korean after such a long time. I’m afraid of forgetting it.”

Taeil found himself ignoring Minhyuk’s existence altogether, but not before he caught a glimpse of that fucking dimple. “So, you talked to the groom yet? I didn’t know you were close.”

Hyojun blushed. “No, I... we’re not close. I’m here by Minhyuk’s invitation.”

 _Were they the same age?_ Taeil wondered. He can’t remember anybody in A-jax being older than Minhyuk. Maybe they’re just close. “Oh. I’m sorry. Again. So, um, I assume you want to experience Korea in all its glory if you’re here in Jeju?”

“No, I, uh...” Hyojun turned to Minhyuk as if asking for help.

Minhyuk groaned and ran a hand over his blonde hair, giving Taeil a dirty look. “It’s my turn, hyung. Do you understand me? It’s my _turn_.” The blank look on Taeil’s face made Minhyuk slap a hand over his forehead in frustration. “He’s your plus one.”

“What? Why?”

Minhyuk opened his mouth to speak, but he was too shocked and no words were coming out.

“Okay, okay” Hyojun was laughing now, his hand secured on the hood of Minhyuk’s fur-lined sweater and began pulling him away. “That was a mistake, sorry. Sometimes Minhyuk can be airheaded, no? Go back into helping in the wedding preparations, or something. Sorry for bothering you.”

It was only when the two arguing figures were the size of Taeil’s hand that it made sense. _Oh. Fuck._

 

 

\-----

 

 

It was during dinner that he saw Minhyuk and Hyojun again. Hyojun was civil and kept complimenting and congratulating Jihoon and Hyejin, laughing about how close their names are in Hangul. He was a ball of hot energy, and he seemed to radiate with all his laughing and by the end of the night him and Jiho were singing a bad over-emotional exaggerated version of Lim Chang Jung’s “A Glass of Soju” with Yukwon playing the guitar and Minhyuk providing the interpretative dance. At the high part they dragged Taeil to the center of the living room and he belted out his higher notes which earned him a big round of applause.

Hyojun flashed him a wide, white smile, and said, “I’m always left in awe when I hear you sing.”

“Well I’m always left in awe when I see you dance.”

And maybe Hyojun forgot about Taeil’s earlier transgressions because his smile became even wider, if that was even possible.

So Taeil spent chief of his time getting to know Moon Hyojun. They were in Jeju, where everything is beautiful and there are lots of things to eat and lots of things to do. Taeil would like nothing more than to lie on his soft downy bed, had Hyojun not hired a yacht which he swore he could drive, and they went from one part of the island to the next where Taeil enjoyed catching insects and scaring Hyojun with them, and Hyojun was a big guy but who could have imagined him falling off the water just because of an innocent ground beetle? Which was huge, by the way, but they’re hardly carnivorous, as Taeil informed him when he got over the shock worrying whether he led Hyojun to his death.

The other retaliated by driving recklessly, and when they got to the mainland the first thing Taeil did was run to the bathroom and vomit. And the way he kept ignoring Hyojun for an hour no matter how much the other tried to invade his personal space.

And the way he invaded Taeil’s personal space did not go unnoticed.

“You seem to be hitting it off rather quickly” Minhyuk had pointed out, and Taeil responded by sticking his tongue out.

“Hyung, if I didn’t know any better I’d think the two of you are dating” Kyung was saying with his accusatory face on. Taeil smiled up at him mysteriously. “Hyung, really?” Taeil continued smiling at him and then proceeded to run away. “Wait, hyung! Hyung!”

By the time the day ended Kyung had talked about it to everybody, and when he and Hyojun came back a minute shy from midnight to the hotel after getting some ice cream, the group was gathered in the common room in front of the fire place and Minhyuk patted the two empty sofa seats beside him. Taeil groaned and distributed the ice cream before settling beside Hyojun, who sat beside Minhyuk.

He had expected a barrage of questions, and had steeled himself waiting for them. This one he never imagined to happen; had told himself he would die with his and Jihoon’s secret. But the secret is out now and he wondered what kind of trouble he was in. To his surprise he was met with silence instead. He shifted on his seat uncomfortably, glancing at Minhyuk who gave him a reassuring smile. But everybody was still staring at him as if he was an alien, and he was about to tell Hyojun to go to his room but suddenly Jiho was clearing his throat.

“So... hyung...” He was biting his lip, this stupid look in his face that annoyed Taeil a little.

“Yes, fuck, I’ll spare you the misery. I’m gay. Fucking happy now?” His voice was really angry now, he was really angry now, and even though he was not screaming his eyes were hard and he felt so hurt. He could feel Hyojun’s hand come up to clasp his, and when Taeil turned to him in surprise all he could see was understanding in his face, and he couldn’t help the warmth that spread over his chest. He looked at everybody except Jihoon in the eye, daring them to talk.

“No need to be irritable about it” Jiho talked back. “Why keep it a secret?”

Taeil was still defensive. He was still waiting for their rejection. “Because I know I’d be kicked out of the group. I had nowhere else to go. Now...” He tried to stay angry, but he could feel the words choking his throat. “... if you want to abandon me do it. I don’t fucking care.”

“Fuck you, hyung” Jiho was close to tears. A little more and he would cry, Taeil knows. Sometimes he forgets how sensitive Jiho actually is because most of the time he’s just... intimidating. “How dare you think that about us.”

“What Jiho is trying to say...” Jaehyo’s soft voice intervened. “... is that we love you, and we wouldn’t have kicked you out. We’re just worried about you now because you kept having girlfriends and breaking up with them. We’re wondering if you’re in pain over that, and if you’re trying to make yourself straight or appear to be so. Because you know, you don’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, what he said” Jiho sobbed, dubbing his fingers over the edges of his eyes to keep the tears from falling.

Taeil’s heart softened. He was overcome with such a wave of relief he couldn’t help but tear a bit. He looked at Yukwon and Kyung, who hadn’t said anything, and asked them of their opinion about it with his eyes.

“Hyung... I’m sorry for setting you up with that girl” Kyung said silently. “If I had known then I’d have hooked you up with a guy.” He looked at Hyojun apologetically. “Not that... not that I think there’s anything wrong with you, hyung, I just get competitive sometimes, and I can’t accept it that Minhyuk-hyung beat me in my own game.”

“I’m so glad my turn did not come” Yukwon was saying next. “Hyung you know I also have contacts. I know one...” he looked at the ceiling and back at Taeil again... “... no I think two, gay guys. Maybe Sunhye knows more, I’d have to ask her.” And just like Kyung he remembered that Hyojun was there, and smiled at him. “Not that I don’t like you, hyung, I’m just saying...” Hyojun returned his grin.

“That’s a lesson for all of you not to underestimate me. Seriously, after seventeen years of my awesomeness and you still have your doubts” Minhyuk rolled his eyes at them. He turned his attention to the maknae. “And Jihoon? Are you fine with this?”

Jihoon looked up at them, bewildered, as if he had not paid attention for all this time and only noticed that he was surrounded by people just now. “Y-yeah. Of course. I mean, I was okay with the gay teasing, obviously. Obviously. Hyung, I... I just want you to be happy. No matter what that means. I love you.”

To everybody else, it was the maknae being affectionate. To Taeil, though, and for some part to Minhyuk, those last three words spelled disaster.

 

 

\-----

 

 

After eight months of inactivity (at least public inactivity), the group finally had their break. They were coming back with a bang with Jiho’s new title track, and it was wonderful. Three months of practice and recording and photo shoots and they were back on track, started getting busy again. So busy that their personal lives are now officially on hiatus, and everybody was itching to get on stage again even if it meant twenty hours of gruelling and tightly-packed schedules. They’ve lost some fans, sure, but they gained new ones with their new album, their new concept, and with everything being so busy Thailand had been but a bitter dream and Jihoon the sweet warm morning sun that woke him up, but the sun had to set sometime, and it sank so deep down the horizon it remained there for months.

Whatever he had with Jihoon remained undefined, remained as it had always been a year, two years ago, three years now, a stuff of fanservice, a stuff of jokes and fan fictions, and for Taeil, a stuff of legends. Well, not until one time Jihoon spun him around and gave him a quick kiss on the lips backstage in their last promotional tour that it ceased to be a hazy dream.

“Not in public places” Taeil chastised him, and Jihoon frowned in response.

“Hyung, we’re never alone”

Really, they were never alone. They spend every waking hour with their members now, and even in the dorms there is no privacy with Jaehyo moving back in and Yukwon and Minhyuk spending more and more nights with them. If not they’re on the road, which makes it even harder to do anything. One time they insisted to room together in the hotel, but it wasn’t even fifteen minutes of making out and they’re both snoring. Really, this wasn’t their idea of a relationship. If it wasn’t Jihoon’s first maybe he’d have something worse to compare it to, so he could stop moping about it; Taeil, on the other hand, wished it had been his first, because he’s had worse to compare it to.

Still, it was all undefined.

“I want a day off” Jihoon grumbled, why he even has the energy to do so after five days of two or three-hour sleep Taeil couldn’t fathom. He was falling asleep on his feet.

Taeil slumped on the sofa beside him. The staff, their manager, Jiho, everything was noisy but when you’re sleepy nothing matters. “Who doesn’t? We have so little time I can’t even decide whether to forego sleeping or forego eating.”

“I’d sleep and my body could eat itself”

It took a minute for Taeil to go over that response. “Yeah, that’s the most logical thing to do. I wonder if we could last five years. But anyway, it was nice meeting you, Jihoonie.”

“No. You can’t die. I haven’t married you yet.”

“We can’t get married, dumbass.”

“The spirit of my ancestors will marry us.”

“The fuck does that even mean?”

They were sitting side-by-side with their eyes closed. If anybody heard their conversation right now, they’d be fucked.

“Ring. Family heirloom” Jihoon replied cryptically. “Passed on from generation to generation. I have to give you that.”

“You’re not making any sense right now.”

“But maybe I should ask you to be my boyfriend before I ask you to marry me. That’s how it’s done, right?”

“Jihoon, be my boyfriend.”

The maknae opened his eyes and turned his body violently towards the older. He frowned at the elder’s sleeping form. “Hey, I was supposed to be the one to say that.”

Taeil laughed at him and opened his eyes slightly. “I’m older than you. I have the rights.”

“That’s not fair. Everyone’s always pulling the hyung card on me.”

“Just give me your answer, baby.”

Jihoon grinned at him. He blushed at the endearment but hell if he’s going to lose. “It’s a no, then. I want to be courted.”

Taeil’s eyes were wide open, now. “What? Are you kidding me?”

“Eh, hyung, you have no manners. You’re my first boyfriend. I refuse to die without experiencing it.”

“FYI, straight guys never get to experience being courted.”

“I’m not exactly a straight guy. You forgetting that? So technically I _can_.”

Taeil groaned. “How do you think can I manage that?”

But Jihoon is not exactly rational right now. “Hyuuuuuung...”

“Oh damn it. Fine. But you’ll have to wait a little longer.”

Jihoon grinned even wider and settled back on the sofa, bringing his head on Taeil’s shoulder. “Just promise not to die between now and then.”

“I’m not going to die yet, Jihoon. Now shut up and let me sleep.”

Unbeknownst to them, a guy too tired to even reach the sofa was sleeping on the floor behind them. _Was_ sleeping, but it would take divine intervention to get him back to sleep now.

It was after MAMA 2014 that Taeil had gotten around doing anything remotely romantic. If that’s what you’d call eating pecking duck in a newly-opened Chinese restaurant just fifteen minutes from the dorms. To Taeil’s defense, he had ordered champagne to go along with it. And had executed a seamless plan that would keep Jiho, or Kyung, from asking anything.

It was a movie next. And no, they couldn’t go to the cinema. Not the zoo, not the amusement park, not when Jihoon had begged for it with crocodile tears, no. It was in Minhyuk’s apartment. Taeil bought him a 36-inch flatscreen on the condition that he could come over and watch. Minhyuk gave him a strange look and sighed. “You can have my apartment for one night. One night. Just... clean up after you’re done?”

“I don’t need your whole apartment, I just need your living room” was Taeil’s reply so he didn’t sound too eager.

“Whatever. I need to sleep. I can’t do that if you’re too noisy.”

“What are you talking about, you can sleep through a hurricane.”

Minhyuk rolled his eyes. “Just accept my generosity, hyung.” He placed a hand on Taeil’s shoulder and looked like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “Just don’t get my apartment too dirty. I... I can’t stress that enough.”

“Yukwon is rubbing off on you. Don’t spend too much time with him, Kyung gets jealous easily” he chided even though his whole body tingled with adrenaline rush.

Minhyuk rolled his eyes again. “Disgusting. I’m sleeping on your bed. But I’m going to burn it down if I find anything... uh, compromising.”

Taeil scrunched his nose. “Compromising?”

He only gave the elder a strange look. If Taeil hadn’t been too excited he would have figured out what it meant. Only he _was_ too excited.

Too excited that he went out to the grocery in disguise, spent a hundred thousand won on ingredients and a small blueberry cheesecake, googled how to make japchae, and lighted incense. If the incense wasn’t romantic then Taeil didn’t know what is. He felt too pressured because he was Jihoon’s first, and he wasn’t about to make it traumatizing for him. In case they break up, and Taeil was sure they will, then he didn’t want a broken Jihoon along with it.

Contrary to Minhyuk’s fears, Taeil was a gentleman. It was in Hongdae, a few weeks after, that Jihoon and Taeil had gone beyond making out. They were roomed together for the night, on Jihoon’s insistence, and Jiho sighed and waved him off.

They were both tired but Taeil had been too cute on stage, and Jihoon was nervous but he knew Taeil would never initiate anything sexual. He was too careful with Jihoon, running off when everything gets hot and heavy. So Jihoon may or may not have prepared a lot for this. Still. He was too nervous he thinks his insides would burst, and that American idiom about bones jumping may not have been an idiom in this case. He checked his teeth in the mirror again, his breath, his hair, the foreign tube on his hand, blushed, the packet of strawberry-flavored condom (he gaped at it in the department store for a full minute in bewilderment), blushed again.

Still. It wasn’t after Taeil murmured a good night and turned the lights off that Jihoon panicked even more in fear that he was going to lose his only chance, that he did something. He was so worried about getting it up. He was too nervous that all the blood rushed to his feet so that he could run. But he climbed over to Taeil’s bed and swung an arm around him, and it was so normal that Taeil didn’t even flinch. Maybe not until Jihoon’s hand moved from his stomach to slip between his legs, and squeezed.

“What the fuck, Jihoon?” Taeil sat up violently and retreated towards the wall.

Jihoon was about to apologize but it _had_ been months, and it’s not like he has a marriage to look forward to before they can consummate. He was thankful of the dark, because his face may look like a child’s but his voice was low and husky and if he controlled it a little, it can sound very, very seductive. “You’re my boyfriend, right? Boyfriends can do this.”

Taeil groaned, the voice getting to him. “Jihoon, if we do this it’s... it’s a very big step.”

“I know, hyung. Please don’t treat me like a child.”

“I’m not. I don’t care if you’re thirty. It’s just... I care about you, you know. I do. That’s why. That’s why we have to be cautious about this. I can’t promise you forever yet, hell I can’t promise you anything yet. So let’s not rush, okay?”

Jihoon sighed in defeat. There’s no use arguing. “I’m sorry. I just thought that you also want me... that way.”

“Yes of course I also want you that way” Taeil snapped, and Jihoon could almost see the familiar meeting of his eyebrows whenever he’s upset, the way he’d puff his cheeks when he’s dissatisfied about something. Cute, so cute. So unintentionally, yet effectively, cute. “But I won’t do anything you’ll regret.”

“Then don’t brush me off.” His voice was stern. Taeil swallowed.

“Jihoon...”

“Let me figure it out. My way.”

Taeil stayed still. For a minute. Jihoon was expecting him to slump down on the bed. But he was moving towards him, both hands pressed on Jihoon’s thighs as an anchor so he could kiss him on the mouth. And it felt so familiar, the way he slanted his head to the left, the way he slips his tongue in, the way he sucks on Jihoon’s mouth as if it were a source of life. More importantly, the way his hand would snake up the back of Jihoon’s head and grip into his hair.

The next thing that happened was unfamiliar territory, because now when Jihoon reached his hands inside Taeil’s shirt there was no protest, only a soft melodic moan that went straight to Jihoon’s cock. Normally Taeil would hold in his voice, he would only grunt or breathe hard, but now Jihoon was privy to every wanton sound that escaped his lips, and he might have been a teenager once with a sizable porn folder, but he never got so hard so fast in his life with just the sound of someone’s moans.

Wanting to hear more of it, he quickly tugged Taeil’s shirt off, hand running down to his chest, settling on a nipple, feeling it harden between his thumbs, hearing Taeil’s sharp intake of breath. His hand moved south, to the elastic band of Taeil’s sweatpants, feeling his desperate grip on Jihoon’s shoulder. He moved from the bed to remove the offending garment away, immediately going for the elder’s boxers before he could say anything.

But fuck. It was too dark.

“Hyung, can I open the lights?”

“No.”

“I want to see, hyung.”

“No, trust me, Jihoon. First time I saw another guy’s junk I went limp. Next time.”

 _How is it possible to even—_ “Fine.” At least there will be a next time.

And maybe the dark is a blessing in disguise, for when Jihoon can’t see, he can feel, he can hear, he can taste. He doesn’t know when and where Taeil would touch him, and he always had an active imagination, and so maybe it made him more sensitive. Fuck, next time he’d insist on blindfolds. He never thought it could be fun, in fact he thought it was insensitive. But like this...

They were both naked by now, and his hand was on Taeil’s and Taeil’s hand was on his, as they desperately tugged and squeezed at each other’s length, knees on the mattress and mouths on each other. Jihoon dared and pressed his thumb over the slit of Taeil’s cock, felt the wet sticky precum on his finger.

“Fuck, stop.”

“Should I... what should I do...?” In another life, maybe Jihoon would be too embarrassed to ask. But this was Taeil-hyung, and Taeil-hyung is a gentle soul. After all the porn he watched preparing for this... were all fucking useless.

“Lie back. I’ll do all the work tonight. Watch and learn.”

“But I can’t see _anything_.”

“You can feel.” Taeil shrugged. He pushed Jihoon down on the bed and straddled his hips. He bent down and whispered in the other’s ear, “Or I could tell you.”

Jihoon groaned. “Yes. Please. God, please.”

“So I assume you bought necessities?”

“Uh... yeah, yeah. Drawer. Top.” His mind was barely functioning in anticipation.

Jihoon could see his teeth gleaming as his eyes adjusted to the dark. He felt Taeil reach for the top drawer of the dressing table, heard the crinkle of plastic, the opening of the cap, tearing of foil.

“I’m coating three fingers with lube. You have to be generous, it’s my first time in years. And even if this becomes a regular thing, we don’t get to fuck for weeks or months in between, so just treat it like it’s my first time every time.”

Jihoon swallowed, nodded. Although Taeil can’t see.

He felt Taeil reach for his entrance over the top of Taeil’s cock, and the slight brush of the warm liquid and Taeil’s even warmer hands over his skin made his toes curl. Yes, he was that far gone.

“I’m inserting one finger inside of me. Slowly, slowly... ahh... fuck it feels weird.” Jihoon could feel him moving down on his finger, not the other way around. “Mmmm... Jihoon. One inside. I’m wiggling it around now to loosen me up. Jihoon I’m so hot inside, you couldn’t believe... how hot... ahhh...” Jihoon threw his head back on the pillow, grasping desperately on the sides of the single-bed mattress. That voice and those sounds and those words and his imagination... they’re not a good match. Or, they’re a really, really good match. He could almost see the way Taeil looks with the way he moans, the way his breath hitches, the way he hits the second octave with every movement—

“Fuck! Fuck Jihoon! I can’t... I forgot... I forgot... haaaa...” Taeil braced one hand on Jihoon’s chest. He sounded like he was almost dying. “There, there—ah! Jihoon... Jihoon when you get inside of me... fuck me deep... deep... do it slow, but do it deep—shit!” His breathing was laboured now, and it made Jihoon worry as the sweat dripped from his forehead into Jihoon’s chest.

“Hyung, are you...?”

“Third finger in. Fuck I’m tight. I’m tight. Jihoon. I’m so tight, I’m so hot, I’m so...”

Without warning he reached for Jihoon’s cock. The younger groaned at the contact. He had fought so hard not to touch himself. The lube was cold and when Taeil sank down on him it felt so good he was seeing stars. Taeil had no qualms about anything. He tried to swallow all of Jihoon in one go, but snapped his head back in pain. “Jihoon... baby, you’re so big. Baby, baby, I don’t think I can... ughhh...” It hurt, and for a few minutes Taeil would only whimper in pain, sinking down and coming back up, then trying again and again. Jihoon reached out for him, reached for his neglected cock. It was only half-hard now, and it would get soft in no time, and although Jihoon wanted this so bad he also...

“Hyung, if it hurts too much just stop. Stop. I’d rather not hurt you.”

For someone who was so against it in the first place, Taeil swatted his hand away. “I’m fine, I’ll adjust... it’s always like this. I’d get used to it.”

And boy did he get used to it. It took a lot of time, took a lot of restraint on Jihoon’s part. Because the very vocal... vocalist... was right. He was hot. And tight. But more so every sound that came out from his mouth pushed Jihoon closer to the edge. He felt like he could come just from the sound of Taeil’s moans.

Right now he had completely taken Jihoon whole, his ass planted firmly against Jihoon’s abdomen, bouncing perkily against his balls as he moved. Down his length, moaning from the back of his throat every time he comes down. He moves like this for a moment, Jihoon’s hand digging on his hips to stop him from going too fast. He’d die of embarrassment if he comes first.

He didn’t need to worry about that, though, because Taeil shifted his angle and when the tip of Jihoon’s cock collided hard against his prostate, his head snapped back and he got even louder. It didn’t take ten movements and he was coming on Jihoon’s stomach with a strangled moan, without even touching himself a single time. He collapsed on Jihoon’s chest, and the latter let him catch his breath, planting a kiss on the top of the elder’s head, lifting his head to give him another kiss on the temple. After a few moments, Taeil was moving up and giving him a proper kiss, biting on Jihoon’s lower lip and sucking on his tongue.

“Fuck, that was... Jihoon... you’re turn.” He made a move to sit back up, but instead Jihoon swiftly pushed him on his back, switching their position. “What...”

“Let me, hyung. I’m here to learn, right?” He leaned down to give Taeil a kiss, almost bending him over in half. Just like he’d seen in the questionable porn clips he’d downloaded with a never-fading blush, he hooked the back of Taeil’s knees on the joint of his arms, lifting his back off the bed a little, and proceeded to fuck into him in that position. Taeil still growled and whimpered at every contact, despite having had his fill just minutes ago, making Jihoon lose whatever thread of control he has over his sanity. The warmth and the softness and all its delicious grip on Jihoon had him spilling a few seconds after.

It was only then that he had realized that nothing was separating him and Taeil.

He decided to comment about it when he had slipped out of the elder, breathing evenly beside him, head buried on the crook of Taeil’s neck and one leg curled around one of Taeil’s legs. He gave him a kiss on the lips and on the cheek, before saying, “Hyung, are you sure?”

“What? About what? About this?” He could hear the irritation crawling back into Taeil’s tone.

“No, I... you didn’t...” he was blushing furiously now, face hot. “... the condom.”

Taeil chuckled, snuggled closer to him. “Only for you, Pyo Jihoon. Only for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was so detailed, I got exhausted. I think I got lazy towards the end, forgive me. My brain is fried. How are people able to write multiple scenes like this? You have my respect. Also, if you’re not Taeil and Jihoon, use protection. For the good of humanity. Hehe. I only wrote it this way because it’s them. 
> 
> AND! I decided that Taeil’s lover would be A-jax’s Moon Hyojun because a) they’ve toured with A-jax before and b) Hyojun’s personality is very close to Jihoon’s. And well he’s lead dancer and main vocalist so it makes sense that he knows Minhyuk and keeps in touch with him. I couldn’t think of anybody else, so unless you have any suggestions, I’d stick with Hyojun. I just hope I did his character justice here. Please don’t hate, just leave constructive criticisms and I’ll do my best to correct any mistakes on my part 


	3. Would You Understand This Heart of Mine?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this took too long. I struggled. I emerged from the dark pits of writer’s block bruised and broken ~__~ This is the product of all that suffering.

“Sunshine.”

Hyojun turned to the direction of Taeil’s voice. He had been staring at the dark skies from the veranda for a while now, mug of chocolate getting colder by the ocean breeze. He had wanted to see the sun rise in Jeju. Last night had been an emotional turmoil, maybe more for him than for Taeil. Maybe he was jealous of how easy they’d accepted him like that, but maybe it was because all of them are older now, less affected, less mindful of societal expectations. He excused himself after that, not without giving Taeil a kiss on the lips in front of everybody, and smiling cheekily at the elder’s reddened face, waving his goodbye.

“Don’t call me that” he grinned, Taeil now by his side with his arms resting on the railings. Hyojun pulled him closer to share in the blanket. “It makes me feel like a child.” Sometime during their trip, Taeil had started calling him that, had even complained that he smiled too much.

“You _are_ a child.”

The dancer pinched his cheek lightly. “I’m taller than you.”

He laughed. “Please, which one of us screamed at a little beetle?”

“Hyung, it wasn’t little” he whined, and Taeil couldn’t see it but he was pouting.

“Then you’ll faint when you see my apartment. I have jars of preserved insects and a big twelve-by-twelve feet corkboard of specimens. Love of my life.”

Hyojun chuckled, rested his head on Taeil’s. “So I get to see your apartment?”

Taeil was startled. He was quiet for a moment, maybe thinking over the gravity of his words. He had only meant to joke about Hyojun’s fear of little things, he didn’t think... “Yes. If you want. I mean, I’m not exactly Snow White, you know. And I will never call you oppa or come running to massage your shoulders and cook you a four-course meal.”

“It’s been thirteen years since I’ve come out” Hyojun groaned at him. “But as a child I’ve never dreamed of Disney princesses. More like—”

“Prince Charming? Dashing, devious, debonair? Sweep you off your feet? I’m not like that also, if you haven’t noticed.”

Hyojun pressed a kiss on his temple. It surprises Taeil a lot how easy the former had taken to doing skinship with him. Not that he’s complaining. “Who hurt you so bad you’re still so insecure about yourself? You’re Lee fucking Taeil, six albums, two platinum awards, can reach four octaves. And fucking cute.”

Taeil hid a smile behind the blanket, but Hyojun knows it’s there. “I have twelve tattoos. I’m not cute.”

“Twelve?” he yelped in surprise.

“Yes. I’m a bad-ass. I also own a big red bike. You scared?”

It was Hyojun’s turn to laugh. “Mmmm... no, I’m excited. I wonder when I’ll get to see all twelve.”

Taeil turned to him, aghast. “No! I haven’t even known you for a whole day yet and you’re thinking about perverted things. I’m taking you to church later.”

“And that _big, red, bike_ ” he accentuated in sultry tones.

Taeil pulled away from him, retreating to the corner of the veranda. “Heathen! You need to be saved by the purifying heart of the Lord.”

But Moon Hyojun was walking towards him with a big laugh, and Taeil was letting him get close, letting him get closer, letting him cut the distance between them by zero, letting him press a kiss on his lips, letting him press a kiss on his forehead, letting himself be enveloped in a big, warm hug, suffocating under the fleece blanket. And they stayed like that, until Hyojun cursed under his breath.

“I missed the sunrise” he pouted, loosening his grip of Taeil a little, gaze shifting to the clearing mist over the ocean.

“It’s fine” Taeil grinned up at him. “You got to kiss me. Isn’t that a thousand times better?”

“Oh you’re getting cocky, huh?” and he gave him a frown but then he stole another kiss, so maybe they’re even.

 

 

\-----

 

 

With Jihoon, a decade ago, it hadn’t been this easy.

Maybe it was because Taeil was more stuck up before. Maybe it was because he worried more about his career, cared more about being retained in the group. Or maybe... Jihoon had been born in the wrong family. Or maybe they both had been. In the wrong time, in the wrong place.

“Hyung, I have a blind date.”

Taeil gripped at the dumbbell. It was metal and it was twenty pounds but he was so angry. “What?”

“Maybe put that down first, you’ll hurt yourself.”

They were in the gym, nobody was around because it was four in the morning. Minhyuk was in the shower trying to get his blood going.

“And you think telling me you have a date won’t? So is this the part where we break up?” Jihoon was about to reply but Taeil was too cross to let him. “And you chose to tell me this at four in the fucking morning in the gym. When I’m tired as shit and too drained to yell at you. Graceless. Have I never mattered to you enough that you dump me here at this time of the day?”

“Hyung! Just let me explain, please?”

Taeil put the weights down and stared at him.

That was invitation enough. “As much as I love to rap, I’m an only child of a rich man. I have... duties. I promised I won’t neglect them. I can’t... I can’t lose my parents, hyung. I don’t... I don’t...”

“Shhh...” Taeil reached out for him, clasped his hand. Yes, he knows. Jihoon has a lot of problems with abandonment. He feels uneasy being left alone, sometimes staying up late until he can be assured that everybody is back, or is coming back, or is somewhere else safe, before he goes to bed himself.

“I can’t lose you either” he said with such finality that suddenly Child Jihoon disappeared for a moment. “That’s why I’m telling you in advance. For now, I’d keep going to the dates. I’ve used every excuse in the last five years and my dad is getting older so... it’s inevitable, I guess. Until I can think of something, will you be okay? Will you promise not to lose faith in me, and be okay?”

Taeil wanted to say no, fuck you, you’re twenty-three and a little too old to be a moping daddy’s boy. But he knows that Jihoon feels too deeply for family, knows he needs a lot of anchor to keep himself steady, knows that Jihoon did not have the best of childhoods, even if he was born in a rich family. In fact, maybe that’s what messed him up, being left to the care of nannies who come and go, who had to leave him every night, classmates in school who had teased him about his body weight, being awkward at sports despite being so tall. Being friends with the confident, brazen Song Mino had done him a lot of good. But he still cares a lot. He cares too much.

“Alright. But tell me everything. _Everything._ And always come back home before midnight.” Taeil knows he sounded like a teenager being clingy to his first boyfriend. But right now he didn’t care. He’s pretty sure of his sexual orientation, but he never had the guts to question Jihoon’s, or to even fucking get anywhere near asking him _why_ he had kissed Taeil, or _why_ he’s continuing their relationship even if it’s seven ways fucked up. He can’t question it, because he can’t afford Jihoon questioning it. He can’t have Jihoon questioning anything, at this point.

Every single time he comes home from a date, Jihoon would get him take-out. And Taeil would always be waiting for him in the living room, flipping through channels and re-watching old movies that made him laugh no matter how angry and desperate he was inside.

The only thing he gets out of this, aside from the food, is that Jihoon gets extra sweet.

He pushes Taeil on the side to make room for him, and proceeds to unwrap the caramel soufflé he took out from the fancy paper bag with striped pink decors. He cuts the cake into several bites without a word, without acknowledging Taeil’s presence, before he dangles the fork in front of Taeil’s mouth. Taeil eats, Jihoon feeds him. That has been their therapy for a few times now. Four dates. Jihoon’s parents were getting frustrated but they would never say anything to upset him. Jihoon, however, can feel that they’re upset, can feel their disappointment every time he refuses to call his dates back. His mood is sour from the drive back to the dorm, where he prefers to stay even if most of them had moved out. Taeil and Kyung had stayed for Jihoon.

“Her name is Go Hyejin” Jihoon begins, giving him the second piece and feeling Taeil bite into the metal too hard. “She’s finishing her DBA in Seoul National University. Only heir to the Go Telecommunications, Incorporated. She’s twenty-nine, she owns and manages a chain of hotels in three provinces in Korea. She says she would expand abroad if she has hotels in all nine provinces. She has three cats, two Russian Blues a male and a female, and one she adopted from a shelter.” He goes on and talks about her, what he said about himself, what she said back, what they said to each other when they parted.

“She’s a catch. I like her.”

Jihoon frowned at him. “You’re a catch, too. And I like you.”

“See her a second time.”

“Hyung...”

“If you’re going to end up with somebody else, at least it should be with someone like that. Then I wouldn’t feel so bad. She wins.” Taeil’s voice was flat, his eyes glued to the screen. There was a lot of fighting but he couldn’t understand anything anymore.

“You’re not in a competition with her. I want to end up with you.”

“Not until the laws change can that be legal. Even then neither of us can give birth and provide your parents somebody to pass all their riches to.”

“Is that what you’re worried about? Hyung you know I don’t care about that” Jihoon answered him in a soft, broken voice.

Taeil whipped his head to face him with a sardonic smirk on his lips. “Really? Is that why you’ve been going to all the dates that your parents set up for you? Because you don’t care? Let’s face it, Jihoon. You have duties, you said so yourself, and frankly I can’t see you giving them up.” Taeil sipped on his glass of water, trying to hydrate himself because he’s about to say something that he will regret for the rest of his life. He needs energy to screw himself over. “If you’re scared that I’ll leave you if you get a girlfriend, I can promise you I won’t. I’m not some immature brat who pretends he’s in love with a guy just so he has somebody to cling to.”

Jihoon is gaping at him. He’d always been a patient boy, taking all of the bullying of his hyungs as an act of love, had never yelled, never complained, not even one grumble. But right now he could see all the anger rise up in the form of tears collect in Jihoon’s eyes, could see his lips quiver with all the words he wanted to say all at the same time.

Before the younger could gather his thoughts, however, Taeil was speaking again. “Jihoon, I’ll be your friend forever.” He reached out towards him and brushed the single tear that spilled from his eye with a soft brush of his thumb. “So. You can go do whatever you want, and I won’t leave you.”

Instead of calming him down, Jihoon was even more torn with his kindness. “No, hyung, don’t misunderstand... it’s not... that’s not...”

“Shhh...” he hushed him gently. “Why don’t you try, Jihoonie, hmmm? Try dating her for a year. And if she makes you cry, you can run back to me. One tear, and come to me. Until then, let’s stay friends.”

“No... hyung, I really, really, like you. I think I love you, even. Why can’t you believe that?”

“I believe you” Taeil said just to shut him up. “I do. I just... you’ve had nobody but me. That’s my problem. I want you to go out there and see the world, not remain where it’s comfortable. If you’re comfortable you will never grow, and I want you to grow.”

“I’m twenty-two” Jihoon reminded him for the nth time, the familiar pout creeping on his lips.

“You’re my baby, right? Are you forgetting that? And my baby needs to see how beautiful the world is.”

“Hyung, that’s disgusting” Jihoon can’t help but point out to him, even if his heart is breaking into a million pieces. “If you’ve thought of me as your child all this time I really... I have to report you to the police.”

Taeil chuckled, patting the younger’s cheek lightly. “Stupid.” The laughter faded from his voice, and he’s looking up at Jihoon earnestly. “I love you. Okay? That means I’ll never do anything to hurt you. So trust hyung. Go and date Hyejin, at least for a year. And I’ll still be here, I’ll be waiting. I’ll never go until you tell me. I won’t let go until you do. Alright?”

There were tears forming in Jihoon’s eyes again, but he was nodding. “I’ll do anything you want.”

 

 

\-----

 

 

A casual observer might call Taeil an idiot.

A person who has loved before, however, could see why he chose to let Jihoon go.

Jihoon had never been given much choice in his life. Everything he wanted in his life had been defined as temporary. Rapping is temporary. Making music is temporary. Taking over his family’s business, that’s what’s permanent. Marrying a rich and beautiful girl and producing rich and beautiful babies, that’s permanent.

Taeil wanted himself to be a person that Jihoon chose. And he can only be sure of that if there was even an option Jihoon could choose from.

Maybe it had been the timing of all of it, how Jihoon had only wanted him romantically when he was depressed, when he thought everybody was going to leave him because he was a horrible person, a murderer, as one netizen once commented in his twitter. Before then he was Taeil-hyung, cute Taeil-hyung he messed around with while he searches for and downloads straight porn and maybe beats off to girl groups.

And he understands that he can’t go against society, not for dubious reasons if both of them are going to endure all that grief. If Jihoon was sure he was gay, Taeil would not be having second thoughts. On the off-chance that he wasn’t, though... Taeil sighed. In the end he got his answer.

“How are you holding up?” Jiho’s voice interrupted him from his thoughts.

He closed the book left ignored in his hand for half an hour and found their fearless leader on the couch opposite him, a beer in his hand. He frowned. It’s a little too early for beer. “I’m not the one getting married. Why are you asking me that?”

“Hyojun-hyung is out there exploring with Minhyuk-hyung. And you’re here sulking. Shouldn’t you be having sex on every piece of furniture with your new boyfriend?” Jiho shuddered. “Or not. Please, don’t.”

Taeil laughed.

They were quiet for a moment, absorbed in their own thoughts, until Jiho spoke up.

“Hyung?”

“Mmmm?”

“Maybe I should never be asking this, but... I’m your friend.” Jiho bit his lip and looked at him from under his lashes, waiting for permission to continue.

Taeil sighed. “Why do you guys walk on eggshells around me? Just spit it out, I won’t die of shock.”

“Okay. So.” He still hesitated a bit, though, very uncharacteristic of him. “So... were you and Jihoon ever... you know, real?

 _What._  Taeil sighed a second time. He really should stop being surprised. He had lived with these guys in close quarters and spent 24/7 with them for a decade. “Jiho... you’re not aging well.”

Jiho’s mouth fell open. And closed. And he gave him an angry look. “Hyung, it’s not healthy to be in denial all the time. You’re way past your teenage days.”

“Seriously, what’s up with the skin you always bragged about? Get a lot of sleep and stay hydrated, kid. Don’t make your elders worry about you so much. Get a girlfriend while you’re at it. Somebody who will fix your bad manners. But if you don’t take care of your skin it’s going to be hard for you.”

Jiho grumbled, “Hyung. You’re the one with the bad manners here. I’m seriously concerned and you’re brushing me off. I didn’t wanna know that bad in the first place but now I do.”

Taeil rolled his eyes at him. But he knows he’s given up on denying. What’s the point now, it’s not as if he could do any more damaged. The ceremony is tomorrow, but Jihoon and Hyejin are as good as married; they’re just waiting to make it official. He took a deep breath. “Yeah, my mistake. He was depressed and I was the only one around. All’s well now, so no need to dwell on the past.”

They were quiet again. There’s no use denying that Jihoon was happy. He started talking about kids even before he proposed to Hyejin. Taeil sang them a love song in the restaurant while Minhyuk played the piano and Yukwon played the guitar. It was a very memorable night for all of them, perhaps more for Taeil even than for the blushing bride. It was the night he had officially lost all claims to the heart of Pyo Jihoon.

“Is all really well now?” Jiho was speaking again, interrupting him from his thoughts. Again.

Taeil raised an eyebrow. Shrugged. “For him, maybe. For me it would take a while. Hence Hyojun. He’s good for me.”

Jiho flashed him a wry smile. “Yeah you’re making us puke.” He dropped the smile. “Is Jihoon really happy... with a woman? With her?”

The memories came flooding back in, memories of _that_ night. But it doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters now. “I begged him to take me back, you know, five years ago. He turned me down. They’ve been together ten years so yes, if that’s not a sign of happiness then I don’t know what is” he scoffed, a little too callously, even if none of it was Jiho’s fault. “Besides, he’s turning thirty-two. I’m pretty sure he can make up his own mind now without his parents making decisions for him.” He’s tired thinking about it already. It drains his mental energy every time he talks about Jihoon. “And you, stop mucking around. Get married. None of us are getting any younger.”

Jiho stuck his tongue out, like a child. “Tell that to Minhyuk-hyung.”

“At least he’s getting laid. What about you?”

“What? With who?” Jiho asked partly in bewilderment, and partly because he didn’t want the attention on himself.

“Maybe if you ask Kyung nicely he’ll tell you” Taeil grinned at him. “Anyway, what happened to your gazebo?”

Taeil just has to keep up his strength until after the wedding. Afterwards, afterwards is the only time he allows himself to collapse.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

On the same note, a casual observer might call Jihoon an idiot.

A person who understands responsibility, however, would understand the sacrifices he had made.

Only the delusional and the dreamer would hold romantic love above all other kinds of love, anyways, and Jihoon doesn’t know which category he fell into, close to a decade ago, but maybe it was just because he was young. He grew older and became more sober, the initial passionate longing for Taeil subsiding into something calmer, something that seemed more like friendship. It burned a steady warmth instead of a burning fever, and he interpreted that as a sign that Taeil really _was_ a phase, just like what his parents told him when he was in junior high and thought he was in love with Mino.

Maybe Jihoon for Taeil was also a phase, because he had been string-dating women afterwards.

And little by little had had began accepting his fate. Hyejin wasn’t too bad, in fact she was driven and funny, which were two rare characteristics to be seen in one person. His parents had been happy, ecstatic, even, so very excited for the wedding to the point that it stressed him out. So he told them to fly the night before the wedding, that his friends would take care of the preparations for him. He just forgot for a moment that friends also mean Taeil-hyung.

_If she makes you cry, you can run back to me._

Taeil had promised him that, but it’s not Hyejin who is hurting him now, it’s Taeil himself, pushing him away like that before he had even gained his footing. To be frank, he kissed the elder at first because he was feeling too dejected, and was quite sure he is a hateful creature. He felt so overwhelmingly relieved, so astoundingly happy, when Taeil had assured him that he likes him. If it had been anybody else, maybe he’d have kissed them, too.

The second time he kissed Taeil, after that incident, was after their comeback. It was an innocent kiss, because he was so proud of him, but the kisses that followed after that were done for pure lust. He never imagined anybody tasting so sweet and soft and painfully wonderful, because with Taeil wonderful has become a flavour. And now he’s being taken away by one bright and bubbly Moon Hyojun, who had smuggled junk foods inside the cabin because he has the taste buds of a child. Isn’t this what Jihoon was waiting for, _hoping for,_ for Taeil to find somebody he can love and not leave? So why does it fucking hurt?

“You’ve been staring at the wall for half an hour” a soft voice interrupted his thoughts.

Jihoon’s head snapped up. Hyejin was staring down at him, in her pajamas, clutching a pillow. He had always loved the contrast in her personality, a child and an adult both contained in one person. “I’m sorry. Wedding jitters.”

“And you look like you’re about to cry.”

“Every groom experiences something like this, you know.”

Hyejin studied him for a moment, her head tilted on the side, eyes narrowed. She stared at him for a minute, and Jihoon was about to ask her what’s wrong because she always looks like that when she’s thinking hard. But then she was saying, “You know why I agreed to date a boy six years younger than me?”

“I—”

“And kept waiting even though it took him nine years to propose?”

Jihoon’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry—”

“— Pressure” she interrupted him. Her voice was calm, like a sharp sword cutting through paper. She had never yelled at him, not even when she was angry. “I mean, I love you, of course. You’re very kind, you’re humble, and you’re really sweet. But had I been younger I’d have dumped you because fuck if I’m going to wait around for a guy who wouldn’t realize what a fucking catch I am.”

But it was also the first time she had cussed at him, at least not jokingly, and his eyes went wider.

He would explain, he would apologize, but Hyejin wouldn’t even let him.

“But I get it, Jihoon, I know. I’ve always known. If there’s any word that could describe me, it’s observant. But like you, I’m a coward. I thought that being a woman of power would give me some leverage, some control over what would and would not happen to me.” She sighed, that same resigned sigh that Jihoon had been breathing out for the last fifteen years of his life. “In the end I’m a female in 21st century Korea, and this comes with some privileges but also some restraints.” A sad smile laced her face, but if anything she looked angry. “The same goes with you. And if you’re not strong enough to go against that fact I’m not going to say or do anything, because I’m just as weak.” Her grip around the pillow tightened, along with the muscles in her face. Jihoon wanted to reach out for her, but he knew she wouldn’t want him to. “It pains me to admit this” she continues, her tone filled with bitterness. “It pains me, because I’ve done so much for myself, I’ve reached so far and so high and yet...” Her gaze softened as she looked at him. “We’re the same, aren’t we? Trapped. Different chains but chains nonetheless.” She suddenly chuckled. “That... was poetic. Maybe you could use it as material for your next song, I’ll give you the rights.”

Jihoon didn’t know how to react at first, his heart and his mind going on a frenzy as he took in all of his fiancée’s confessions. She always spoke in riddles, and Jihoon had learned how to interpret what she meant. He stayed quiet the whole time she was talking because... what was there to dispute? She’s right, and he had no energy to argue. He had to go along with what he’s feeling, and right now the strongest feeling that he has is... “Sorry... I’m sorry. Hyejin, I’m really sorry. You’re wonderful and I swear every time I said I love you I wasn’t lying.” Tears were forming in his eyes now. He didn’t want to hurt Hyejin, she had been nothing but a steady rock he could hold on to when he was feeling tired of standing on his own two feet.

The smile that crept on her lips was more genuine, now. “I know. Come on. You made that clear a long time ago. I know you. I know you love me. That’s why even if I _know_ ” she stressed, the words unspoken but the meaning clear between them, “... I’m letting you. I love myself but I’m letting you. I love you but I’m asking you now to indulge my... my selfishness. I know that’s not very loving but I’ve reached the point where I can’t...” She visibly winced. “... I can’t back out.”

“It’s...” Jihoon frowned. “It’s also my selfishness. I never planned to pull out of the wedding, Hyejin, I won’t do that to you. I know I made you wait. I...” his gaze left her face, he wasn’t strong enough to look her in the eye and say what he’s about to say. “... I was also waiting.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t break up with you.”

At that, he had to look at her. “No! It wasn’t like that! I wasn’t waiting for that, I... maybe at first. But I don’t regret you. Really. You’re like... like...”

“... the sister you never had?”

Jihoon’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my God, noona, how could I?” He blushed harder than before. “I could never have sex with a person I consider as a sister! Oh my God! What do you think of me? Oh my God”

Hyejin laughed. She always loved the flustered Jihoon and his over-use of the phrase ‘Oh my God’. “Okay. Friend, then.” She was grinning now. “God, I’m so relieved.” She slumped down on the floor in front of Jihoon. “I feel so guilty I think I’m going to say no tomorrow. I think I’ll break down and cry in front of the priest. God forbid I have to look at you for the rest of my life and feel so guilty of robbing you of everything.”

Jihoon shook his head and offered her his hand to take. “No. I’m sorry. For doing this to you. Really, I’m sorry. You could have found a better guy if I didn’t...”

“Maybe we’re even now, right?” she smiled up at him and took his hand until they were palm-to-palm. “Anyway, I doubt if I could find a guy who’s so genuinely proud I earn more than him. I’d seriously turn to the convent if I see one more guy flaunt or try to assert his superiority to my face.” The bitterness returned to her voice, but only briefly. “On second thought, I’m doing the _Time_ piece. Just thinking about all of them makes me so angry, I want to lash out.”

“I keep telling you to accept the interview.” He tightened his hold on her hand. “Now come on, let’s sleep. Your parents are flying in tomorrow, you need energy for that.”

Hyejin groaned. She flopped down on the bed beside him, her face down on the pillow. She heard him switch the light off, felt a dip in the mattress of Jihoon’s weight, felt him pull the covers up to her shoulders. After several beats in the darkness, she turned her head towards her fiancée’s direction and asked, “Do you love him, Jihoon?”

A sigh, and some shifting on the bed, a long stretch of silence. But Hyejin waited patiently for his answer. “I don’t know. It’s been ten years but... I don’t...”

“Maybe if you start accepting yourself, you’ll find out” she answered back. He didn’t reply. “Think about it, Jihoon” she said before burying her face again on the pillow.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

Under Taeil’s orders, Jihoon called Hyejin the day after their date. And every day since.

They still kissed a lot, hands roaming on each other’s bodies, hushed and breathless and sometimes rough, especially when Taeil feels frustrated, especially when Jihoon began to smell more and more foreign as the weeks passed by. One night Jihoon didn’t notice a red speck of lipstick on his jaw, and Taeil had been furious. He was the one who had assured Jihoon it would be alright to kiss Hyejin, they’re dating, they’re in their second month, “wait a little longer before having sex with her but a little kissing is normal, that’s what couples do and you’re a couple” he said as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. So why he was seeing blood now was beyond his rational mind.

He hadn’t slept for almost forty-eight hours, having spent chief of his time in the recording studio. But every time Jihoon goes on a date, he can’t keep the nagging feeling at the back of his mind. So he downed a bottle of energy drink, took two pills of the health supplements that Jihoon gave him for his birthday last month (along with that expensive set of silver studs with black onyx accents, but Taeil loved the health supplements more because he found it more caring) and sat down on his usual spot in the sofa.

By this time everyone had moved out to their new apartments, even Taeil has bought a unit, but they decided to keep the place because it was near the recording and the dance studio, so it’s worth all their money. This night there was only Jaehyo, but Taeil knows he’s playing computer games (or watching porn, whatever) with his earphones on and he can be dead to the world.

The moment Taeil saw the patch of red lipstick he lost it, pulled Jihoon in to the bedroom he shares with Jiho and Minhyuk, and shoved Jihoon on the wall.

“Hyung—”

“Shh” he put a finger over the younger boy’s lips and started unbuckling his belt, loosening his tie, and Jihoon was confused but Taeil’s hand was stroking his cock and fuck if an aggressive Taeil-hyung doesn’t get him hot. They’ve only had sex twice before, because Taeil was cautious and slaps his hand away whenever it begins to wander around the waistband of his pants, and stops kissing him, stops cuddling, when he feels Jihoon’s erection against him. So yeah, Jihoon is confused but he’s not going to question anything, because this... is rare.

The next thing he knows Taeil was dropping on his knees, and taking in the whole length of Jihoon’s half-hard dick, and he got harder faster and released a throaty moan he couldn’t keep in. Taeil was always so wary of somebody accidentally hearing them, but maybe it’s safe because he’s stroking and sucking on Jihoon without care. He had never received a blowjob before, to be honest he thinks it’s dirty, but the way Taeil licks the slit of his cock sent him reeling and banging his head against the wall, because if the elder keeps this up he swears he’s going to come any second.

“Stop, hyung, if you don’t—”

“Then take me” Taeil was saying.

And Jihoon tilted his head down to look at him, and maybe he shouldn’t have, because right now Taeil’s lips were swollen red, his eyes wet with tears but pupils blown black and wanting. With a stuttered groan he pulls Taeil up and throws him across the bed, and if it were any other day Taeil would be angry, but to Jihoon’s surprise he was backing up further into the bed, removing his shirt and slipping out of his pajamas. By the time Jihoon had located the lube he had stashed at the bottom of the dressing table, the little fox had his legs spread and waiting for him, creamy thighs and erect cock being stroked by small hands in full view for him to see.

The sight made Jihoon want to fuck him there and then, because the longing that he feels can only be satisfied by burying himself into the warmth that is Lee Taeil, but he checks on his impulses and proceeds to kiss Taeil first, tasting him with his tongue as if he was vintage wine, savouring, feeling the coolness and smoothness of his delicate skin. He runs a hand on the back of Taeil’s head, deepening the kiss, runs a thumb over Taeil’s nipple until he feels it harden under his touch, shivering as Taeil presses them closer than before, stroking both their dicks with one of his hands.  _He’s mine, he’s mine_ , Jihoon reminds himself. He has all night, he has the rest of his life, there’s no need to rush into anything. He has to make this last for as long as he can take. But Taeil breaks the kiss and whispers against his mouth, “Hurry up. Take me. Have me. Jihoon...”

And really, who can say no to that.

Jiho and Minhyuk would kill him if they found out, but he’ll cross that bridge when he gets there. Now, all he could focus on is how tight Taeil is around him, how fiery his eyes were when he ordered him to replace his fingers with his cock, insisting that he’s “.... ready. I know, Jihoon, it’s my ass for fuck’s sake. If you won’t do it then I’ll leave” he had threatened.

“Hyung, you have to tell me if I’m hurting you” he managed to croak out even if there’s nothing more he wants to do than to slam his whole being into this wonderful person in his arms.

“You’re hurting... ahh... my pride” Taeil replies as he tries to sit up on Jihoon’s lap, and he pulls him into a kiss, wrapping his arms around the younger boy while simultaneously bouncing up and down against him. The new angle makes Jihoon groan, very loudly because damn this is the best position they’ve ever tried. “I’m not a porcelain doll. I have... oh god this is good... I have five... I have endured five tattoo sessions. Don’t fucking... oh Jihoon, my Jihoon, this feels good... don’t fucking underestimate me.”

Jihoon grips his ass with both hands, helping him move. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, until Jihoon couldn’t feel his legs and he has to shift them back, pushing Taeil on the bed and adjusting their bodies so that he could enter him smoothly. They were both being noisy now, and Jihoon was trying to keep quiet so he could hear the sound of Taeil’s moans, but he also felt so good he couldn’t control his own moans. Taeil reaches his arms out to him, and Jihoon tries very hard to kiss and fuck, but when he loses his rhythm he breaks the kiss. Taeil doesn’t let him go, and wraps his arms tight around Jihoon’s neck even if his legs are spread so wide and he’s almost bent in half. He wouldn’t be able to walk straight tomorrow, but he tells Jihoon it feels good, “don’t stop or I swear I will kill you”. So Jihoon proceeds to fuck into him in that position, his mouth on Taeil’s shoulder, on his collarbone, arm curved on the top of Taeil’s head, one hand grasping against the sheets.

He reaches a hand on Taeil’s dick and found it really hard, and he pumps into it. Taeil isn’t stopping him, in fact he’s moaning louder than before, higher than before, and he lets Jihoon go just so he can continue pumping him and fucking him at the same time.

“I’m close, I’m close” he manages to say in jagged breath, and it wouldn’t even take a minute before he’s coating his own stomach white.

Jihoon stops moving, only one or two light strokes to milk it all out of him, waiting until Taeil’s breathing evened out.

“Move. Come for me Jihoonie...” Taeil was saying after a while.

The sight of a dishevelled Taeil and the grip around his cock had him coming not long after, and Taeil moaned hotly again at the sensation that washed over him when Jihoon did come.

The young rapper was breathing hard, because this was as physically exhausting as dancing. He was thinking of maybe making this his new diet plan, but knew that Taeil would smack him on the head and send him to bed without supper if he ever suggested it.

He smiled at the imagery.

His hyung is just _so cute_.

He kisses him again even if he’s dead tired.

And whenever he gets the chance, like after shows or in the morning, or when they’re in the van and everybody is asleep.

He kisses Hyejin, too, but although she smells nice and he finds himself getting addicted to the sweet scent of her cherry Chapsticks, he finds himself getting more giddy when it’s Taeil he’s kissing.

He had always thought that these moments of bliss would last. He had been counting until the 365th day until Taeil would allow him to break up with Hyejin, but maybe somewhere along the way something had changed.

That something had been his parents overjoyed, inviting him and Hyejin over for dinner more times than they had called him since he debuted. They started talking about how proud they are of their son, their little Jihoonie who once as a young toddler had cried when his mother left him at school, and now he’s going to have children of his own, in the not-so-distant future. They started talking about grandchildren, how they’d always wanted a daughter, that they’ll name her Tiffany in honor of “that pretty girl we always hoped you’d end up with, that is, if Hyejin doesn’t feel too uncomfortable with it”, to which Hyejin replied that she adores Tiffany, and really wouldn’t mind. They started going to the arcades, and he couldn’t for the life of him ever imagine his father driving this tiny miniature bumper car and laughing as he beat him, but there he was, this stern old man buying coins and challenging his son in a drag race.

And somewhere along the way Jihoon’s strength had failed him.

Because, as hard as it was for him, he’d do anything to make his parents happy.

One night, after a dinner date with Hyejin and his parents, he came back to the dorm with a sullen face, and didn’t run up to give Taeil a kiss.

It didn’t even take Taeil five seconds to understand. Tears fell from his eyes, but Jihoon just stood there as he wiped them off himself.

“It was good while it lasted, Jihoon. I’ll always love you so... be happy” Taeil managed to say before he all but ran to his room.

He knows Taeil is crying.

But he just stood there, staring at the wall, before finally giving in and crying, too.

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

It was perfect.

There is no other word to describe it but perfect.

In the end Jiho did get his gazebo, maybe because he became so extra attentive to the wedding planner, changing his strategy from being persistent to being cute, and few people could resist a cute Jiho because of reasons Taeil himself didn’t know why, but the charm works on him also so he couldn’t really blame anybody for falling. It earned him Jaehyo’s wrath, for some reason Taeil didn’t know the details of, too busy collecting bugs when he learned there are about nine hundred species of insects in Jeju, and proceeding to torment Hyojun with them.

There wasn’t a trace of bitterness in Taeil’s heart when he glanced over at Jihoon, clinking glasses with his new wife, because Jihoon was _really_ happy.

Finally, finally... Taeil could be happy for him.

Not because of Hyojun.

Not because he fell out of love.

Not because he had given up.

But because Jihoon looked _so_ happy.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Jiho looking at him with a worried expression, and he might have flipped him off if this were any other time, but Taeil had found peace now, he actually cheered when Jihoon and Hyejin kissed. So he pats Jiho’s hand and smiles at him. “It’s not the end of the world” he tells him. To Jiho it was just a justification, but to Taeil it was reality. If anything, he has Hyojun to look forward to, but knowing that he’s using the poor boy to get over a decade of heartbreak wasn’t fair.

Taeil looks over to where Hyojun was sitting, giving an autograph to one of Jihoon’s cousins. The nickname he had given him was so apt, because the boy had gotten vanilla ice cream on his suit by Heyjin’s four-year-old nephew who was so cute that Hyojun insisted on carrying him despite the protests of the boy’s own parents because they know how their son could be, but he was still grinning until the end of the ceremony. He’d hate to be the one to break that smile someday.

The second hand that landed on Taeil’s shoulder was Hyejin’s.

Taeil had been too absorbed with the food and looking at Hyojun make a fool of himself five tables across he didn’t notice the bride coming over to where he was seated. She whispered something on his ear, and a few minutes later he found himself standing inside the empty cabin with Jihoon’s wife.

“Is there a problem?” he asked immediately when he saw her in the kitchen, getting a bite to eat because apparently eating in your own wedding seems to be very difficult, what with the unlimited number of people coming in to greet them, family of both sides, friends, business partners, and Taeil would be lying if he said there weren’t times his eyes would wander over to the couple’s table and stare at them at the corner of his eyes.

She was munching on a piece of shrimp, looking at him, five-inch heels giving her height leverage over Taeil’s smaller frame. “Well” she swallowed. “Are you and Minhyuk’s friend together?”

“Uh...” Taeil raised an eyebrow at her. She may be Jihoon’s wife, but there are some secrets he wanted to keep in an exclusive circle of friends. She’d never been rude to him before, which makes him weary because if this is what she truly is, he’d do everything to protect Jihoon.

“I’m sorry” she quickly said when she felt his discomfort. She took another piece of shrimp and continued eating, so Taeil couldn’t judge if she was really sincere. “I’m just nervous, I don’t know how to tell you this.”

“Tell me what?” _And why me?_ , were the words he left hanging in the air around them.

Hyejin let out a breath and didn’t break eye contact. She had been rehearsing this speech last night, last morning, when she was showering and playing SNSD songs on loudspeaker and staring at her reflection in the mirror. Or maybe years ago, whenever she would catch the look on Jihoon’s face when Taeil walks into the room many, many, many times. “I’ll be borrowing Jihoon for a little more time.” There was no use ignoring the little tremor in her voice, because this wasn’t easy for her. “If you can wait a little bit more, I’d return him to you. Not completely, I think, that’s something you can’t have in this relationship. Not a person of his standing, at least.”

Taeil’s face grows more and more confused with every word that passes on her lips. He never allowed himself the possibility, so right now it’s hard to comprehend everything. “What?”

“I mean... do you understand Jihoon’s world?”

“I...” Taeil frowned. Of course he understands. He understands perfectly well. This is the reason why he had let him go anyway, even if he did have a moment of weakness five years ago, getting piss drunk and calling Jihoon at three in the morning, begging him to come back. Why Hyejin is asking him this, however, is beyond his comprehension. “What’s your point?”

“My point is that Jihoon loves music. With intense passion. When he was younger he defied his parents’ wishes and auditioned to become an idol, not caring if they abandon or disown him because he’s pursuing what he wants. He’s a very sensitive boy, he loves his family very much, so you know it wasn’t easy for him. In fact it was downright difficult.”

“I know that. But why are you suddenly telling me?”

“Because that’s the only time he’s been selfish.”

Taeil frowned.

“It’s a great advantage to be rich, Taeil-oppa, but not when you have dreams that don’t coincide with people’s expectations.

Taeil is losing his patience now. “I get it. So what?”

She moved on to the cake slices someone brought over. “So I’m telling you I know. About you and Jihoon. And that if you can wait, just a little bit longer, you can have him.”

He didn’t know whether to be angry or happy, but he knows the emotion bubbling up his chest right now was nowhere near ecstasy. “Is this a trap? He chose you, he married you, you have a contract and a ring on your finger, what else are you trying to prove?”

“Does the contract give me his love? Do you think I’m stupid?” She was also furious, now. “There are some things that we have to do in the world, Lee Taeil. All I’m telling you is, if you want him, I’m giving him back. If you don’t want him anymore, then good for me. Jihoon will be miserable, but he’ll stick to it until the end. I know you’ve been miserable too, because the way you look at him, all these years, and the way he looks at you...” She sighed, trying to put her thoughts in order. “If you think he’s worth the wait, if you think he’s worth all of the pain that you endured and will endure, then wait for him. I’m not going to make an excuse for what he did to you, but I know that Jihoon gave up more because he doesn’t love himself enough, than because he doesn’t love you.”

Taeil gaped at her.

“The only comfort you can have now, I think, is that if he lets himself love you, you won’t regret it. Now if you can wait for that to happen, let go of Hyojun-ssi. If not, well then I got my answer.” She took another slice of the chocolate cake with her bare fingers and headed straight to the door.

“Hyejin” he called out after her. He has his answer ready. She may not know it, but he had played the possibility of going back together with Jihoon over and over in his head, and he can only think of one thing to say, now, after all these years. Maybe he never had thought it impossible, after all, if he had been thinking about it. This, this situation right now, to Taeil was less shocking than he had initially thought. Maybe he’s an optimist, after all. She turned around to face him. “Let’s not treat him like a baby. If he wants something, he can go and get it. He can’t expect to just find it lying there waiting for him. If he doesn’t realize by himself what a fucking catch I am, then I’m not sticking around. I’ll be his friend, and I will support him no matter what happens, you can tell him that. But if he doesn’t think I’m worth all the pain he will endure, then... I can always find my own happiness elsewhere.”

After a heartbeat, Hyejin grinned at him. “A man after my own fashion.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, please don’t kill me. It’s more beneficial to keep me alive. Hehe. Just keep reading.


	4. If you could, will you stay?

 

“Why?”

“Hyung? Are you okay?”

“Jihoon... why?”

“Are you drunk? Where are you?”

It was almost three in the morning, and Jihoon rubbed at his eyes while looking at the digital clock on his bedside table. There was movement beside him and he was startled for a moment before remembering that he was now living with someone. A week ago, he had asked Hyejin to move in with him, and yesterday she had hauled half her stuff and a giant closet into his apartment, plus an ice maker that they had fun making ice cones with last night. He smiled at the memory. Taeil’s sniffling at the end of the line woke him up completely, despite having slept only close to four hours.

“You’re an asshole” came the reply. The speech was slurred and Jihoon didn’t know if it was from the alcohol or from Taeil’s crying. He hoped it was because of the former.

“I know, I’m sorry.” God, he’d had enough of making Taeil cry. He had seen him on a date with a certain Park Minhee, the first girl Taeil had declared openly to be dating to his friends, in the newly-built city aquarium where he took Hyejin. It slipped Jihoon’s mind that Taeil was, of course, going to be there, given his undying love for underwater creatures and those that fly above the land. It was so cute, how he loves chasing dragonflies and butterflies whenever he sees one, making Jihoon chase a rare green butterfly when they had a shooting in the countryside. The look of pure bliss on his face while he was talking animatedly with Minhee and making her laugh and stare in awe at his knowledge of marine animals had momentarily distracted Jihoon, made him forget that their relationship is in a precarious footing, and he had hopped excitedly towards him like he had always done in the past, but now with Hyejin in tow. His excitement went south fast when he saw how Taeil’s smile fizzled into smoke at the sight of them. And Park Minhee was a name that never rolled in Taeil’s tongue ever again.

“But I love you” Taeil sobbed into the phone, and Jihoon felt a strong suffocating pain in his chest.

“Hyung, you know I love you, too” he couldn’t help but say. It surprised Jihoon that the words came out from his mouth as easy as it did, considering how it had been four years since he had last said them. But it just felt so right, so true, and he remembered how Taeil blushed every time he says he loves him, turning his head away but giving him a kiss on the cheek nonetheless. But... “But we can’t. I... I can’t. Not like this.” Hyejin shifted on the bed beside him again, and Jihoon panicked for a moment, until he heard a soft snore. He heaved a sigh of relief but hurriedly went to the living room, anyway, closing the door behind him, just to be sure.

“What do I have to do for you to come back to me?”

Jihoon didn’t have an answer to that. If heartbreaks could be heard it’d be the sound of glass shattering into a million pieces, and it feels like it, too. “Where are you?” he asked instead, trying not to choke.

Static. Some crackling sound. A grunt. “Hongdae.”

“Where exactly? Hyung, it’s three a.m.”

A short laughter. “Brat, you forget how old I am? I don’t have a curfew.”

“Just tell me where you are, I’ll come pick you up.”

A short silence followed, and then a sigh. “You’re too far away.”

“I don’t care. Hyung. Stay put. I’m coming over there right now.” He was grabbing his keys as he talked, dressed in a loose white shirt and jersey shorts, slipping on a pair of shoes without bothering to tie the laces.

Taeil laughed again. “I won’t tell you where I am.”

“I’ll scour the whole of Hongdae if I have to.” So he said, pressing the buttons of the elevator repeatedly as if it’s going to make it any faster, but he knew that if Taeil was in Hongdae, there’s only one bar he’d be going to. That’s where he’d start searching. “Stay where you are, okay? And don’t hang up. Keep awake for me.”

“What do you care?” was the raspy reply.

“Of course I care. Damn it, hyung. We may have... broken up...” Jihoon swallowed, saying those words for the first time, first time verbally acknowledging their separation. “... but you _are_ my best friend. Believe it or not, you’re the most important person in my life.”

“Then why do you keep hurting me?”

Jihoon’s breath hitched at the question. He felt like crying, but he can’t drive and cry at the same time, and right now getting Taeil is more important than his own emotions. “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t count the number of times he kept saying those words to Taeil, the elder only looking up at him, smiling, telling him it’s okay, that he understands. Jihoon felt like an asshole bringing Hyejin over backstage whenever they have a show, inviting her when they have dinner, but Jiho and Kyung were insisting to meet her and get to know her, and she _is_ his girlfriend, and girlfriends are supposed to meet your friends. He can’t help but notice how Taeil would clam up in a corner and not say a word, excusing himself halfway through making a lame excuse about how old and tired he is. Jihoon started the car and put in his earpiece, turning up the volume so he could talk to Taeil, his voice filling up the spaces. “I mean it, hyung, I’m sorry. If it helps, I’m hurting, too” he finally said.

Taeil did not answer.

Jihoon heard a crash. He panicked. “Hyung? Hyung goddamnit, answer the phone!”

The images of Taeil being hit by a car and lying in a pool of blood occupied Jihoon’s mind, and he sped up as fast as he can. “Hyung can you hear me? Are you there? Hello?” No answer. He could still hear the static, so he knows that Taeil’s phone was still on, and he waited in bated breath and teary eyes for some foreign voice to tell him that his friend is in an accident. Close to an hour had passed but no such call came through, the only thing keeping Jihoon sane was the static that came from the phone and the silence that ensued, which assured him that at least there was no accident, because if there was they’d pick up the phone, right? Or if Taeil was mugged the muggers would take his phone and turn it off because it _is_ the latest brand, it cost half a million won and they won’t be able to resist taking it, right?

 _Fuck._ _It’s my fault. If anything happens, I won’t be able to forgive myself_ , Jihoon kept thinking. He thought his heart was going to burst any minute by how fast it was beating, how wet his forehead and palms are from sweating, mostly from the fear of Taeil’s fate than from the fear of getting caught with how many traffic violations he has committed now. He was only able to breathe normally when he found Taeil asleep in a waiting shed, the phone face-down on the floor. The flood of relief that came over him was so overwhelming, and he cried on the spot, picking up the phone and shaking Taeil awake, getting curious glances from passers-by but thankful that most of them were too drunk to take pictures. They could talk all they want but without proof the talking would die down eventually, if they had recognized them, because Jihoon at the moment did not care that his hair was electric blue.

Taeil showed no signs of waking up, so Jihoon carried him to his car and strapped him to the front seat, all along crying as he pressed a kiss on his lips, the smell of cigarettes and sweat and vomit wafting to his nose but he just felt relief, and happiness, and he pressed another kiss to the elder’s neck as he hugged him, making sure he was alive and well and this isn’t a dream, he isn’t hallucinating, Taeil isn’t dead, before pulling away and driving over to the elder’s own apartment.

The tears came on again when he laid Taeil down on his bed, as he wiped a wet cloth over his former lover’s face and body, the familiar smoothness and warmth of the skin he once buried himself into making his knees weak, so he allowed his fingers to roam over them again, tracing the line of Taeil’s jaw, over to his neck, his collarbone, his arm, ending up locking their fingers together. _Fuck._

“You were right, you know” he whispered to the elder’s ear, settling himself beside him, clasping at his hand, elbow putting his head up so he could look at Taeil breathing. “I’m weak. It was only a matter of time, if you did not let me go first I’d have let you down sooner or later. I’m not like you, I can’t go against the world. I can’t even get multiple piercings or a tattoo, how could you expect me to hold on to you if I know how wrong it is?”

The only response he got was a soft sigh. “You don’t deserve a coward like me. Be with someone who... will grab you close when you start to move away, and kiss you when you start getting shy, and take your hand in public and laugh when you protest hyung—” Fuck, he was starting to cry again. “I can’t... I can’t do all those things now. I’ll be turning thirty in a few years, I... I have to get married and have kids and... that’s what we’re all supposed to do. You, too. Find a girl who will make you happy. I found one, so I’m sure you can also do it. We... it was good while it lasted, right? But now we have to move on.”

And maybe he should be saying those things to Taeil’s face, maybe he should be saying them when he’s awake, but he can’t, and he won’t, and as he pulled the covers over Taeil’s body, and gave him one last lingering kiss, he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye, either. So he sighed and turned off the lights, the absence of Taeil’s warmth making him shiver. And he knows he will stay cold for the rest of his life. If there is something the idol world had taught him, though, it’s that the world is a powerful force, and it’s better to let yourself flow along its rivers like a dead fish because going against the current will end in inevitable loss.

“I love you” he whispered into the dark.

Those words will never mean the same when he says them to any other person, ever again.

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

Taeil plopped himself down in the old black couch Jiho refuses to replace. The leather is coming off and the cushions are sagging in some places, one or two springs protruding to the surface. The younger boy has his earphones on, eyes closed and feet tapping on the soft red carpet that Jaehyo insisted they install when Jiho spent nights just laying himself down on the floor and sleeping, causing him days of sore throats and sore body parts until Jaehyo without a word just hired workers to do it, even if it meant having to endure a pissed-off Jiho because he couldn’t work for four hours.

An hour had passed, and Jiho made no move to indicate any interest in Taeil, and even if Taeil wanted to talk he knows better than to interrupt his creative flow, and out of boredom he sprawled his body on the carpet just a few inches behind Jiho. When the latter shifted a bit on his swivel chair, hitting the side of Taeil’s waist, he jumped up and screamed in fright.

“What the fuck, hyung?” he managed to breathe out, one hand clasped on his chest. His eyes were bloodshot and the tufts of blonde hair escaping from his white beanie looked unwashed.

“Did you not notice me come in?” Taeil groaned, scrambling to his feet and pressing a hand on his side where the wheels hit him a little bit too hard. “If somebody was intent on murdering you you’d be easy target.”

“You scared me!” He slid the earphones off his head and straightened himself. “Do you need something?”

The elder huffed at his tone. Jiho is snappy when he’s busy or under pressure, he knows that. Especially when he hasn’t slept or eaten or ingested anything other than coffee and energy drinks. “I told you to take care of your skin, you brat. I see a zit cracking on your forehead. How long have you been up?”

Jiho rolled his eyes. He’s had enough of these ‘don’t stay up too late’ lectures for more than a decade, it doesn’t get to him now. “I’m just about to go to sleep. What are you doing here?”

“It’s five in the afternoon, and don’t tell me you plan on sleeping on the floor again.”

“Why not? Isn’t that the reason why Jaehyo-hyung spent three hundred thousand won on these carpets?”

“That just _in case_ you fall asleep on the floor, not _so you can._ Or is this your passive-aggressive way of making him take care of you?” Jiho scowled at him, but Taeil is too used to his anger that everything just looks so mild now. “Oh shut up. We know you act out in front of him and makes sure he knows how tired or hungry you are.”

“Hyung! Did you come here to insult me or do you actually need something?”

“What, I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s actually genius.”

Jiho rolled his eyes again in exasperation. “I’d be flattered if I were actually gay. Or maybe you can take lessons from me, you’re the one panting after Jihoon and never getting anywhere.” Realizing too late what he said, he clasped a hand over his mouth in shock. “Oh my God, hyung, I’m sorry!” he was quick to say, both hands tugging at the side of Taeil’s green sweater. “I’m sorry, I haven’t slept a wink for thirty-six straight and I’m not exactly thinking right now.”

To his surprise, Taeil laughed good-naturedly. “Relax. You didn’t say anything that’s not true.”

“So?” Jiho asked, unceremoniously dropping his tired self back on the swivel chair, turning it around so he could look at Taeil properly.

The elder shook his head. “Maybe next time. You’re tired and mean right now.”

Jiho groaned. “Come on, talk. Jaehyo-hyung said to let you be. If it were up to me I’d have been banging at your door the minute we landed back to Seoul. You left early and left Hyojun-hyung. He looked really devastated, you know.”

 _Hyojun. God._ Taeil’s face fell. Sure, he’d texted him to say sorry before he left. They’d exchanged a few messages, even, but thinking about how his rash actions must have hurt him, his little ray of sunshine, made his heart ache. Taeil resumed his previous position, lying down on the floor and finding it completely refreshing. No wonder Jiho spends nights out here. “Scold me, Jiho.”

“What?”

“I came to you because I know you’ll scold me.”

“You should’ve gone to Minhyuk-hyung if you wanted a scolding.”

“He’s Hyojun’s friend. He’d kill me instead. You have no idea how many threatening messages he sent me over the week. I had to rent a hotel because he wouldn’t stop slipping angry notes at my door.”

Jiho chuckled. “You deserve it. If it weren’t for Jaehyo-hyung’s bribing, you wouldn’t be alive right now.” He tilted his head to look at the dejected figure on his studio floor. “So? Why’d you need me to scold you?”

“Because I think I’m going to let Hyojun go.”

“Why?” Jiho’s voice was slow, his tone deep.

“Because Hyejin told me to wait.”

Jiho’s face contorted into anger, realization dawning on his mind. “Don’t let Jihoon do this to you, hyung. You said Hyojun-hyung is good for you, stick to what is good for you.” He cleared his throat again, realizing what he just said. “That’s just a suggestion, though. Because you’re right. We’re too old to be unsure, we’re too old to wait. You said that yourself.”

“Don’t blame Jihoon. It’s not his fault that most people are prejudiced. He did try to make it work in the beginning, I was the one who pushed him away.”

The younger sighed in resignation. “Does Hyojun-hyung know?”

Taeil bit his lip and shifted his weigh one foot to the other, deliberating on whether to air his problems to somebody way younger than he is. “Not yet” he decided to say. “I think the idol world has stunted my growth, huh. I’m turning thirty-six but my problems are still...” his lips stretched into a bitter laugh, gaze still trained on the ceiling. “When I was younger I always thought I’d be the first idol to come out, that I would shock Korea, that I’d flash them my tattoos and show them I know how to ride a motorcycle... as a statement, you know... just so naive. Now I can barely hold a proper relationship, I’ve dated a lot of girls, and hid the truth from all of you.”

Jiho was staring at him with wide eyes as he talked, but eventually sinking down in a deflated stance. There was just so much about Taeil he didn’t know. “If you decide to come out, it would be an inspiration to many others. I mean, I’m not telling you what to do or forcing you to do it, it’s just that... maybe it would mean something? You’d get hurt a lot, but... you’re now in a position where you can withstand all the hate. It’s not like how it was fifteen years ago.” Another sigh. “Whatever you decide to do in the future, though, you know you can rely on me. I’ll be fighting on your side even if it kills me.”

The elder laughed at the expression. “I know. And I’m really grateful. I was actually... expecting you to freak out when you finally know. You, mister underground hip-hop ‘I like girls with nice thighs’” Taeil laughed again, finally able to relax and grinning at the shock on their leader’s face. “Thank you.” He turned away shyly, “For not throwing me away.”

“We’ve been through worse, remember?” Jiho responded, his gaze also somewhere else other than to the person he’s talking to, both of them embarrassed but aware that sometimes things need to be said. “We’re all by your side. Even Jihoon.”

“Yeah, so...” Taeil looked down on his boot-clad feet. “So I have to go away.”

Revelation after revelation, and Jiho was frowning again. “I thought you said you’re going to wait for him.”

“I don’t want to hurt Hyejin any more than she’s already being hurt. So I have to leave for a year, or two at most.”

“But our activities... I’m sorry for being selfish but we really can’t afford to slack off yet. We’re still scheduling tours, and you... you have a show.”

“I’m not joining the monastery, Jiho” Taeil frowned at him. “I’m just saying don’t put me anywhere near Jihoon. So definitely no concerts, no tours, no shows together. I’m bailing out on Thursday nights unless he’s not there. I’ll join any promos you have in mind that don’t involve him.”

Jiho sighed. “This is why I don’t want to get into a relationship.”

“Shut up. There’s Yukwon. Look at Yukwon, Jiho-yah. You’re making your mother sad.”

“I am a doting uncle to two hyperactive kids. I’m not making her sad.”

“Is that why you keep receiving pictures of girls on your phone?”

“You went through my phone?” Jiho stood up from his seat in shock.

“We all did.”

“Wh—how— it was Kyung’s idea wasn’t it? He was the one who stole it, wasn’t he? God, that nosy motherfucker. He’ll get it from me—”

“Chill, why don’t you?” Taeil was laughing again. “He just wants you to be happy. You know that, right.”

Jiho paused, and slumped back down on his seat. “I’m glad nothing much has changed, though. Even if you’re all bastards.”

“Well... we worked hard to be together, didn’t we? That’s why it’s all worth it.”

“Are you alluding to you and Jihoon?”

Taeil groaned. “I’m so far gone for him, you know, Jiho? So scold me.”

“How can I? Maybe I’m rooting for you. Maybe if you really get together, it would do me some good.”

“Maybe you’ll stop being cynical?”

Jiho just grunted in response. “Buy me pizza, hyung. I’m hungry.”

“You make more money than me, _you_ buy me pizza.”

And Jiho glared at him, but did as he was told.  

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you.”

Taeil’s eyes went wide, the explanations he had outlined the night before lost in his tongue as he took in the bitterness in Hyojun’s voice. His sunshine was staring at him with a cute pout, a contrast to the foul words he let loose that didn’t sound right coming from him. He resisted the urge to kiss him, this man who had shrouded him in warmth with his smile, his laugh, and his fear of bugs. He wanted nothing more than to throw himself to that warmth and be enclosed in safe release forever, to drown himself in soft laughter and teasing mischievousness, in badly-executed puns both sexy and childish at the same time.

But Lee Taeil is a fool, and Hyojun does not deserve the company of a fool.

It pained him that he had made this sunshine’s life a little darker.

Hyojun pushed himself past Taeil and flung his coat off carelessly on the rack, making his way to the sofa and sinking down from how hard he just hurled himself on it. Taeil stared at him from the door, his hand still on the knob, before he sighed and locked the door behind him. He knew he deserved every bit of rudeness Hyojun is intent on flinging at him. It all just came out too cute, and left Taeil angry at himself for thinking that.

“I don’t even know if you want tea or coffee.”

“Of course you don’t” Hyojun glared at him harshly. He didn’t even bother to remove his shoes and he was now wiping them off on Taeil’s beige carpeting, smiling when he was able to draw out a stain. Instead of getting angry, Taeil wanted to pinch his cheeks. It reminded Taeil of that one time when Jihoon got mad at him for

“So, tea or coffee?”

“Orange juice.”

Cute. He was just too cute. How in the world could Taeil _not_ fall in love with him?

“Okay” Taeil said silently, walking to the kitchen and praying to God that the box of orange juice he had seen when he checked if he has supplies to cater to Hyojun was not empty. He never really expected the boy to request orange juice, of all things. He had risked his life to go down to the supermarket and bought beer, ten kinds of tea leaves, a box of black, brown, and white coffee, and bubble tea, just in case the internet got it right and Hyojun actually likes bubble tea and does not do it just for the cameras.

“Or you know, if you have bubble tea”

Taeil grinned.

“Look, I’m sorry” were the first words Hyojun said as he glanced at the violet bubble tea Taeil was holding out to him fondly. “I’m sorry I said ‘fuck you’. I was just trying to be mean. Jaehyung-hyung said to greet you with that. I know I shouldn’t have listened to him.”

“I’m glad you did, though” Taeil smiled. “Now get your bubble tea while it’s still cold.”

Taeil settled down beside him. “Hyojun.”

“Mhmm?”

“Sunshine.”

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me that?”

“You’re wonderful and I really, really, really, like you.”

Hyojun sighed, placed his cup of bubble tea on the glass table. “I went to Jeju to nurse a broken heart, and yet here I am about to get a second one.”

Taeil looked at him with wide eyes. “Junie... I’m sorry.”

Hyojun scoffed. “You think ‘Junie’ is better than ‘sunshine’? Seriously, hyung, please don’t name any of your children.”

“I’m serious here, Hyojun. Sunshine. Junie.”

He said it with such a straight face Hyojun couldn’t help but laugh. “So are you going to wait until they have a baby?”

Taeil choked on the mouthful of bubble tea he just swallowed, coughing to get the pearl dislodged from his throat as Hyojun sympathetically patted him on the back. It was the first time they’d talked since landing back in Seoul, apart from the text messages they’d sent each other during the week. Hyojun uses a 3:1 ratio of words to emoticons, sometimes foregoing the words altogether, and once upon a time Taeil would’ve turned his nose up in disgust but now he finds it so endearing. That question, though, reminded Taeil that Hyojun may be childish but he _is_ thirty-four.

“I’m sorry, what?” he asked when he could breathe normally again.

“Come on, I’m not stupid” he rolled his eyes but there was humor in his smile. He picked up his cup from the table, took a long sip, and proceeded to chew like he did not just ask a loaded question. Taeil was still staring at him in awe, and he laughed. “That’s why you’re breaking up with me, right?” He gave a short chuckle. “Or wait, we’re not even together.”

It took Taeil some minutes to recover from the shock. “I, uh... that’s not exactly... but how’d you know?”

Hyojun shrugged. “Hyejin-noona dragging you to the house... just... it was a familiar scene.”

Taeil looked up at him curiously. “Familiar?”

“Once upon a time, a girl in white also told me to stay away from her husband” he replied absentmindedly, as if it was a story he had told many times over and it felt so mundane and passé, he didn’t bother to go into details and felt no need to be teary-eyed about it. “You, on the other hand, she told you to wait for him?”

“Yes.” There’s no need to deny it.

They were silent for a moment, each focusing on chewing on the pearls and the distinct taro flavour that Taeil preferred because yes, he’s getting old and chocolate gets on his nerves now.

It was Hyojun who broke the silence. “Just don’t hurt yourself, hyung. Don’t let him hurt you anymore.”

Taeil frowned and reached over to hold Hyojun’s hand. The latter looked at him in surprise but did not pull away. “And you... don’t turn yourself into me. We’re not teenagers anymore, we can’t experiment and say ambiguous things like, ‘let’s see where this leads’. Find someone stable. If you’re ready, you’ve heard my friends. They know a lot of gay guys.”

Hyojun laughed again.

The elder smiled at him. “I don’t know if you can stay friends with me, sunshine. But know that I will come running to your aid whenever you need me, so don’t ever hesitate to call.”

“And vice versa” Hyojun smiled back. “Thank you for not stringing me along.”

Taeil’s smile dropped. He withdrew his hand from Hyojun’s just so he could face him. “Tell me the name of that guy and I’d run over him with my bike.”

“What?”

“That guy. Who hurt you. How dare he.”

Hyojun broke into a smile. “You’re really a badass, aren’t you? So? Do I still get to see that big red bike of yours? See if it can really run over somebody who’s six feet tall? Better yet, can I ride it?”

Taeil rolled his eyes as he remembered the sexual innuendo behind Hyojun’s joke. “As long as you do not run me over with it, I’ll let you.”

“No, I’m kinda happy.”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because you and Jihoon... if you and him work out, at least I know there’s really a forever I could look forward to.” Hyojun laughed to dispel the awkwardness. “But you made me sad, hyung. Take me somewhere fun. Like the amusement park.”

“You stand out too much, idiot.” He gave him a once-over. The boy was dressed in white and blue chequered polo and tight-fitting black jeans and white rubber shoes with blue accents, and his hair was brushed up and over to the side, and to top it all off the jacket hanging on Taeil’s rack is unmistakably leather with a Dolce and Gabbana metal engraving on the back. “Or maybe that’s good. At least everybody would get to stare at your ass. I’ll help you screen the applicants.”

“Really? You’re really bringing me to the amusement park?” he asked, giddy, more excited at the prospect of riding the Ferris wheel than finding hot guys all over his tight jeans.

“No, you big baby. How about I’ll just cook for you, would that make up for it?”

Hyojun frowned and stuck out his tongue mockingly. “Are you sure you’re not trying to kill me?”

“Hyojun...”

“I mean, the bike and now the food...”

“Hey! I’ll have you to know that I turned into a fully-functioning adult throughout all these years.”

The boy shrugged. “Whatever. Let me be the judge of that.” He paused, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “There’s something I regret, though.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“I don’t get to see your tattoos.”

Taeil slapped him hard on the arm. “Shut up and drink your bubble tea, brat.”

 

 

 

 

\-----

 

 

 

 

When Hyejin opened the door, she sighed and let Taeil in, grabbed her keys and her coat and excused herself. The two men watched her as she put on her shoes and waved goodbye, going as fast as she could so nobody could see the hardened expression on her face. She knew asking Taeil to wait was unfair, but so is marrying a woman while in love with a man, so she didn’t exactly know what to feel since they’re both at fault. The only thing dampening her frustration is the thought that the person who suffered the most in this set-up is Taeil, and she kept telling herself that until the tears won’t flow anymore.

Jihoon motioned for him to sit down on the black sofa in their very spacious living room, black-spotted white carpet covering a portion of polished hardwood floors, a 56-inch flatscreen TV on a black wooden cabinet adorned with ironstone china, plaques, certificates, and two wedding pictures. This must be what they call living in style, Taeil thought as he absentmindedly ran a finger on the large Chinese porcelain vase and not feeling a single bump of dust.

“You like the house?” Jihoon’s deep voice rang through the walls, and Taeil felt himself stiffen. How long has it been since they had last spoken? Discounting the unavoidable conversations in Jeju, Taeil couldn’t remember the last time they had talked, much more the last time they had talked alone. Five, six months, perhaps, since the day that the engagement was announced. Of course Taeil could remember the exact date, he fucking sang as Jihoon kneeled in front of Hyejin and asked her to marry him, and as much as he wanted to cry he had pride on being a professional singer, and tried his best not to choke.

“Yes. Though you should add some colors when you have kids” was his dangerous reply. But he had to know. He didn’t want to drag the conversation any further than he could help it. “I heard it helps stimulate their brains.”

“You want some tea?”

Taeil sighed. So he has to be the one to initiate the topic. He turned around to look at Jihoon. The younger was standing across the sofa, hands in pockets, looking at him tentatively. “No, thanks. How’s Paris?” He didn’t dare shorten the distance between them by walking towards the sofa, even if his legs hurt from walking.

“We just got back yesterday.” He was biting his lip, characteristic of when he is too shy to say something and debating whether or not to say it, so Taeil waited. “Actually I... I bought you some clothes? We were out shopping and I just remembered how we always used to shop together and I found some things that I thought you might like, you know, if what you like hasn’t changed much considering the last time we ever shopped together was around four years ago and I noticed that you don’t buy as much brown as you did before, you’re wearing so much blue now so I thought maybe you’d want—”

“You’re rambling, Jihoon.”

“I... I’m sorry.”

“Why’d you buy me clothes?” Taeil’s heart was beating out of his chest. He has to know the truth before his emotions get the best of him again. If not for his sake, then for Hyojun’s.

Jihoon tilted his head and gave him a quizzical look, as if it was natural for him to buy Taeil clothes and his brain could not register the question. “Why?”

“Your _wife_ was with you, in your own honeymoon, and you buy clothes for a man she knows is your _ex-lover_. A man you had given up for her, when you signed that paper and vowed in front of your friends and your family that you will love and cherish her for all the remaining days of your life.” The words tasted like venom in his tongue, but they had to be said. He could see Jihoon turning red with every word he says, but it was necessary. Taeil stood there trying to look intimidating, even if his knees are shaking slightly because this is it, the last thread of hope he has and it’s quietly snapping in two.

All he got was a guilty stare, Jihoon lowering his head to the side.

“Speak, damn it” Taeil snapped at him.

Jihoon trembled visibly at his tone. “Hyejin told me she talked to you. And that you said you weren’t going to wait for me anymore.”

“Yes, and yet here I am, thirteen years later and still running after you like a fool. I fucking hate what I turned into.” Taeil stopped himself, he promised he wouldn’t get angry. He can’t get angry and storm off again, because if he does he’ll never have the courage to knock on Jihoon’s (and Hyejin’s) door ever again. “Before I met Hyojun, I always thought that this is normal for our kind, you know? Like it’s a punishment for being an aberration, suffering, never having our love returned that easily. I just accepted it, I never blamed you. It’s the times, I say to myself, it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s the world, it’s Korea, it’s the norms. I always comfort myself by believing that had we been born in a different time you would love me and never let me go—”

“I do love you!” Jihoon interrupted him frantically.

“I don’t need words, Jihoon. All you have for me are words, and I’m sick of them” Taeil pointed out. “Maybe in another lifetime, maybe we could be together. But I have to make a decision for _this_ lifetime. I could be happy, Jihoonie. Even if I’m gay, I could be happy. So tell me. Why should I give up that happiness for _you_?”

Jihoon remembers crying after Hyejin told him about what Taeil said when they talked. He thought he had given up entirely on Taeil, it had been years, anyway. After that incident with the drunken call, they had easily settled back into being friends, more from Taeil’s effort than on his. They never talked about it, but the day afterwards Jihoon received a delivery of 16-inch all-meat pizza and a bucket of fried chicken, and when he thanked him when they met at the dance studio, they fell into easy conversation, and Jihoon just assumed he didn’t remember much about what happened. After pushing Taeil away for years, Hyejin’s words gripped like a wrench in his heart and squeezed.

It was the finality of it, of the blinding whiteness of Moon Hyojun’s smile on Taeil, of the gentleness of the way Taeil brushed a moth from Hyojun’s shoulder, of the cheerfulness in his laugh as he mocked Hyojun for screaming like a little girl, and for the first time in a long time Jihoon was struck with only one thought: _that should have been me._ Hyojun had snagged one of the flower crowns intended for the flower girls and put it on top of Taeil’s head, and when the shorter man pouted at him he placed a kiss on the pout and it made Jihoon’s insides boil with anger. But the anger quickly translated into pain, and he had to excuse himself to the bathroom. And then, after the wedding, Hyejin dropped the bomb. _“He’s not going to wait for you any longer”_ she had said, eyes hard, _“So if you want him, I think you’re too late.”_

And Jihoon broke down on the floor crying, Hyejin watching him and making no move. They’d still gone to Paris, though, and when he bought clothes two sizes smaller Hyejin’s mouth drew into a thin line but she didn’t say anything.

“Hyung, do you remember why I became a rapper?”

Taeil scowled at him. “What does it matter now?”

“Because you’re making it sound like it’s all my fault!” Taeil could see the hurt seeping into Jiho’s features, making his face twist in the pain he tried to hold back. He turned his nose up in a valiant attempt to keep the tears at bay because he’s finally getting his answer after all these years; Taeil isn’t going to run any more. “I joined Block B even against my parents’ wishes because I was _sure_ I’d make it. I’m a sensitive child, yes, but I did grow up with people who see life as a business transaction, and I call them mom and dad. But with you I had _nothing_ to hold on to.”

The elder was only looking up at him, flustered. He came here to scold Jihoon but in the end he’s the one getting scolded at.

Jihoon took his silence as cue to continue. “We can’t get married, we can’t share anything or own anything together. We can’t even get a flat under our names because no landlord would allow that. I wouldn’t have anything tangible to assure me that you’re really mine. You can just leave me when you want and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.” Despite Jihoon’s willpower, his eyes are getting moist and he rubbed at them with the sleeve of his shirt. “All I can do is to trust that you love me, but you’re doing one hell of a job proving it. You can’t even tell me to come back to you without getting drunk, hyung, I— you... you dated girls after we broke up and sure you break up with them all the time but they were all _girls_ , and I’m not sure if... if you even like me that way anymore.”

“I was... I was waiting for you to come to me, Jihoon” Taeil whispered into the air, after a few moments of deliberation, taking in everything that Jihoon had said. His voice was barely audible in the large room, small and desperate. He lifted his eyes to meet the taller man’s, and Jihoon could see that he wasn’t the only one struggling not to cry. They’d always been the two most sentimental in their group, and confrontations like this were not in their nature. “To choose me.” He was thirty-six, but he sounded twelve with the whimper that escaped from his mouth. “On your own. Because this, _us_ , it wouldn’t be easy. If we want to be together, it would come with a lot of sacrifices, so I wanted you to be sure that given any other option, you’d still choose me.” This time, Taeil did not bother to stop the tears. His voice cracked but he forced himself to speak. “But you gave up _too_ _early_ , Jihoon.”

Seeing Taeil cry openly brought Jihoon’s defences down. “But...” He sniffed. “But I... I’m sorry” he settled on saying. Out of all the things swimming in his head that phrase seemed the most important, now. “I’m sorry I caved. I’m sorry you had to fall in love with me. I’m weak. Hyung, I’m sorry it had to be me.” They were both sobbing now, and it was such a sight, but neither cared for the state of their faces or their image because right now there’s only the two of them, and they’re both hurting.

He didn’t mean to, but Taeil found himself crossing the distance between him and the tall redhead, to clasp at his hands and brush the tears from his cheek. “No, Jihoon, no. Don’t say sorry for that. I loved you this long because you’re amazing, alright? How can you be sorry? How can I be sorry?” He found the strength back in his voice when Jihoon stared down at him wide-eyed, hopeful, much like he looked when Taeil told him he loved him for the first time. “I could have given up but I didn’t. That’s how amazing you are. When you make me pancakes or climb to my bed and snuggle, or when you tease me relentlessly and call me cute, I loved all of that, when you smile at me and ask me if you did well, or when you stare at me with an open mouth when I sing— god, Jihoon. You don’t know...”

“Can I kiss you, hyung?”

Needless to say, Taeil was taken aback. He tightened his grip on Jihoon’s hands but shook his head. “When you come back to me, Jihoon, you can kiss me without asking. But not now... not...” Taeil paused, looked up at him earnestly, their faces merely inches from each other. “Will you come back to me, someday? Is that something you will do? And I’m not asking if you want to do it, Jihoonie, I’m asking if you will. Tell me honestly. Will you?”

And Jihoon was nodding his head violently, as if it would make his answer clearer. “Of course, of course, God, of course. So you’ll wait for me, hyung? Will you be able to wait longer?”

Taeil laughed in relief and placed a kiss on Jihoon’s hand. “Yeah I... you also waited for me, right, Jihoon? I’m sorry hyung was too blind to see it.”

“So you’ll really, really wait?” There was still a tinge of disbelief on Jihoon’s voice. “You won’t get tired?”

“Jihoonie...” Taeil smiled up at him warmly. “The pancakes are worth it.”

Jihoon groaned. “Why do you keep mentioning the pancakes?”

“And the japchae.”

“Hyung, you’ll get fat.”

“I don’t care, you’ll still love me.” Taeil’s face turned sour. “Right? Because I swear to God—”

“Hyung! You of all people should know I don’t care about that! You can grow to become the size of a barrel and roll around the house and the sight of you will still affect my dick—”

“Jihoon!” Taeil silenced him, but he was laughing. “Baby, when did you become so foul?”

There’s mischief in Jihoon’s face now. “So I’m still your baby?”

Taeil rolled his eyes. “You like being called baby, huh?”

Jihoon nodded relentlessly, making Taeil laugh again. “Then I’m not calling you that until you’re mine for real.”

It was Jihoon’s turn to frown. “Hyung...” he whined.

“Jihoonie... I have something to tell you, though.” Taeil’s voice is more sober, and the smile was wiped from his face, making Jihoon worry. “I have to leave.”

“What? But you just said—”

“Hush. You know I have to do this, right? We can’t keep hurting Hyejin. Make her happy. Well... as happy as you could make her in this situation. You have to do right by her, since that’s all she asked us in return. You can get it up for her, right?”

Jihoon looked scandalized. “Hyung!”

“What? Don’t tell me you haven’t been doing the nasty when you’ve been living together five years. Don’t be such a child.”

“Saying _‘doing the nasty’_ is being a child!” He pouted, sticking out his bottom lip and looking at his hyung crossly.

“I’ll leave you two alone for however long it takes. But Jihoon, if at the end you don’t come back to me, I’ll have Hyojun run you over with my motorcycle.”

“If you keep doubting me like that maybe I’ll run you over with your own motorcycle.”

Taeil laughed. Despite everything, Jihoon really _is_ still such a child. “Alright, sweetcakes, I’ll see you around.”

“Sweetcakes? Hyung, ewww.”

Taeil laughed again and untangled their hands. “Then what? Cuppycake, sugar plum, pumpy-yumpy-yumpkin?” he sang in mockery.

Instead of answering, Jihoon pulled him into a tight hug. “I won’t ask where you’re going but... make  sure _you_ come back, alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. Jiho already gave me hell and made me make arrangements, so nothing to worry about.”

“And hyung?”

“Mhmm?”

“I love you.”

Taeil felt a warm rush hit his chest, and he pulled away just so he could look at Jihoon in the eyes. “You’ll have a lifetime to prove that, Jihoon.”

“Hyung, I love you. Don’t you love me?”

Taeil remembers answering that question one morning in their dorm, years ago, when Jihoon was hunched down on the dining table, papers scattered and pens of all colors strewn all over the table. Jihoon was sighing and groaning in exasperation, scratching his head and sometimes hitting it on the wood as if it held the answers to the mysteries of the world. Taeil had wounded his arms around him, calming him down, giving him a kiss on the cheek and saying those three words he couldn’t say before.

So he’ll say the same words he had said back then. “I love you, Jihoon. You make me proud.”

Jihoon was grinning at him, partly happy, partly touched, almost about to cry. “You have no idea...”

“Like I said, you’ll have a whole lifetime, right?”

“A whole lifetime... is that a promise?”

Taeil held his pinky finger up between them. “I promise. Will you promise?”

Jihoon curled his pinky finger tightly against Taeil’s. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! Sorry this took too long. I really had not idea how to end it without destroying the hope of all Taepyo shippers. This is as realistic as it could get in my head. I could die in peace now, unless you have a request for me, a pairing, a prompt, whatever. I'm in grad school, though, and I do this to de-stress, so yes, it would take a month or two before I finish but I'll try to make it worth your while so. 
> 
> I'm posting this right after I typed the last word, I didn't go back to check for any errors, grammatical or otherwise. Feel free to point them out. I love comments, whether positive or negative. That's the only way we could grow and become better. So, comments are really appreciated.
> 
> Until next time!
> 
> P.S. To lilyheebum (sorry, I don't know how to link or tag or what, I'm still relatively new to AO3), I hope you're happy with this T.T


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